MY TAKEAWAYS WHEN I RAN AWAY

Like what my previous blog is about, I ran away from home. Yes, I ran away, in case you don’t know. That’s something I’m proud to say because I’ve learned and is learning a lot from it and not proud at the same time because I’ve hurt the people that care most for me and made them worried sick. Running away made me go out of my comfort zone, caused me to meet a lot of interesting and sometimes annoying people, a lot of different people coming from different walks of life. That little stint taught and is teaching me a lot of things starting from practicality, how to blend in and to stand out, how to manage life. Basically teaching me how to be an adult, and I’d like to share some of my take aways.

First is about money, since I’m already working and earning for myself, it means that I have to budget my money down to the last cent. I’m thankful to my parents because they did not shower me with lavish lifestyle, they taught me the importance of money and emphasized how managing it well will do me good. Back when I was not yet working and still asking allowance from my parents, I don’t really care how will I spend my money, all I’m doing was spending it all, going to coffee ahops, buying unnecessary things and then asking for more money. Put that on repeat, that’s my attitude towards money when I’m still dependent with my parents. I felt like I am a daughter of rich people, when in truth I am a daughter of two hard working people who want nothing short of the best for their children. Now that I’m living on my own, I’m happy to be eating at Jollibee and feels like I’m already treating myself when eating s4 or c2. Hehe! There’s definitely and change of mindset there and I’m thankful that my parents reiterated to my thick skull that I should live within my means and never beyond it, because I’m seeing a lot of people living lavishly beyond what their salary permits and when it’s time to pay the bills or it’s critical wallet days, there they are running like a headless chicken looking for someone to borrow money. In a way, I am seeing my old self to them and it makes me want to whack them and be like my parents (like a broken record telling them to save!) Don’t get me wrong, I’m not yet there when it comes to saving or managing my finances, I still have a lot of things to do and learn but I’m definitely starting and doing my best to be frugal but I never forget to treat myself every once in a while, especially if my stats are good, and usually it’s just a good cup of coffee or a hearty bowl of ramen! Hehe.

Second on my list is that I’ll meet a lot of people and all have different stories to tell. Back at home, I felt like I have a set of curated friends, coming from almost similar background. When I ran away, to say that I am shocked/amazed to the stories I heard is an understatement. After hearing some of those tales or life experiences, I’ve realized how good I had my life and how I’ve taken for granted the comfort my parents worked hard to provide me. I’ve met and talked to a lot of people and surprisingly they are very open about their life stories, some heart-wrenching, others made me question if it’s really possible because it is too inhumane, well at least for me and my sheltered life. Now whenever I see someone interesting, I always wonder what’s their story. Sometimes it’s not enough to be just kind, sometimes you have to lend your ears as well, listen to them gloat, it makes a huge difference, with that small act you can be saving a life without knowing it. 🙂

Lastly, in my darkest time, the time wherein I’m lost, too overwhelmed and being blinded and unable to see what’s right and wrong then I’ll see who my true friends really are. And by true friends, I mean not only those who are with me most of the time but those friends who will tell straight to my face what they think about what I do and not those friends who will agree to everything I do and say and then they’ll blab on my back tell things I wish they said directly to me.

In addition, people will break your trust, hurt you, whether intentionally or unintentionally. And yes, it’s okay to be angry, it’s normal, you’re hurt. What’s not okay is carrying this anger for so long. Why? Because you’re making yourself suffer from these negative feelings. Let go of your anger, learn from what you went through and be wiser.

I love you all, beautiful people! This post is long overdue but I finally had the time to post this. Kisses til next time! Xo 💋

Know thyself. :)

Back at home, I was always this girly girl, I always have to be prim and proper as per my father. He used to tell me that I should always move like the lady that I am, he will always tell me that I eat too fast, I sit like a boy and then telling to sit properly, like how a proper lady should sit/act, basically grooming me to be so lady like. I’m always like that until I left home. Upon leaving our home or more like running away from home, I discovered a lot more about myself, some made me happy, the others made me sad and one thing that I’m discovering now is confusing me big time! This one thing is really new to me, something I’ve never felt before, making my insides flutter, warm and melt-yes all that at once. Crazy, right? 

It all started when I met this person, who’s now being the center of this confusion. At first, this person and I are not really that close. Well, maybe because we’re both the shy type but as time went by, our (friendly) relationship improved. This person would always get my attention whenever chance presented itself, whether it’s by chance or consciously doing it or this person is really friendly, that’s something I can’t say. I don’t wanna assume because I don’t wanna be disappointed in the end, and by doing that it’ll just confuse my already confused brain even more. 

I’m done with my coffee, and I’m now sleepy. Good night, beautiful ppl! Until the next entry. Xoxo 💋

What I did was totally unexpected from me. I was always this goody-goody girl, good grades, never misses a Sunday going to church. A lot of my friends view me as this stable and rational girl, well, at least from the outside or based off of what I chose to show them. The whole thing seemed so strange and out of character, but during that time it appeared to me as the only solution to the series of problems I single handedly created (well not really, but that’s for another post). At that time, the thought of doing it made me feel like I can do it. I am ready for this shit!

I gave the house one last look, it might take a while for me to see it again. After a few good minutes of relishing the memories I had in our home, I set off. At first it felt like I was doing something I should have done long ago, I felt free from all the judgment and criticism but it did not last long. My money which is technically my parents’ are slipping out of my wallet faster than what I expected.

A crazy thing was this happened all too soon and I let my emotions get to my mind so I ran off without even knowing where the fuck to go! But it felt soooooo fucking good. It felt like I was finally able to unfurl my wings and fly to somewhere I don’t know. lol. That being said, I spent most of the day in a coffee shop, having a good time like I didn’t ran away from home. Though that good time didn’t last that long because when I finally opened my phone hours after running away, my phone was blasting from all the text messages and I read them one by one, most of it came from my mom, dad and my bestfriend, just when I thought I was so strong to be able to do what I’ve always wanted to do, I found myself crying like a little girl in a coffee shop not giving a fuck to those wondering eyes. It’s getting late and I need a place to sleep so I texted my grade school bestfriend if I can crash to her place and she said I can stay as long as I want since she’s living alone. That stopped my eyes from leaking. Hehe.

Days turned into weeks and my mom keeps on texting and calling me, asking me if I’m okay, if I’ve eaten, blah blah blah. Part of me wants to go meet her, cry and tell that it’s too much for me, this is hard. For someone living her life so sheltered, running away is scary but there’s also a part of me that wants to prove to them especially to my brother that I can do this and that part weighs more than the fear.

To be honest, I am afraid, I’m not strong but I have to do this. First for myself and then to prove something to my family. My mom offered me money as tempting as it is, I didn’t take it because I remember what my dad told me, as long as I’m under his roof, using his money, he have a say as to what I should do with my life. So yeah, my money is now well budgeted up to the last peso til I get my first salary on my first job! Yeah, I got a job because I have to eat and finally contribute and to the bills here and stop being a free loader.

On the process of all these, I’ve learned and is still learning a lot, but that’s for another post because my mind is not functioning so good right now as you can see on how I wrote this but I just have to let it out so yeah. Hehe!

Have a great day, beautiful people! 🙂
EDIT: I’ve written this a month ago, and finally decided to publish this one. As of now, I’m living alone, well not really bc I have housemates but I decided to move out of my bestfriend’s place, stayed there for like 2 weeks only. Work’s going okay, I’m liking it so far, as well as the people I’m working with. I think I’m going home for Christmas, tbh, I miss my family and my baby Maxie…

To You who will dare…

…to love me, you should know that I cry too often, whether I’m just watching a movie, remembering things and/or people that have hurt me and sometimes I will cry just because I can and I feel like it (crazy). I am afraid of being left behind and being not good enough. Growing up, there’s this constant standard imposed to me that I should reach, that’s how I was raised, I am competitive and I won’t back down til I win, and it’s tiring and draining. I will always be doubtful and would sometimes not believe  when you tell me how much I matter to you and how much you value and appreciate me, you can tell me you love me for so many times  but  I would still be afraid of you leaving me. Don’t blame yourself, that’s just how I am wired, I always prepare for the worst because most of the time, I get the worst. When I fall in love with you, I will love you wholeheartedly, your quirks and weirdness. I will fall in love with your strengths and will help you improve your weaknesses, I will always be with you in every step of the way, always behind you when you feel like you are alone and you have no one to run to; you have me. 🙂 I am difficult to love. I am sensitive, erratic, moody and will have outbursts, but for me, loving you will always be so easy. All I ask is that you don’t give up on me and in return, I won’t give up on you and I will love you with my entire ♥. And if one day you decide to leave, just tell me ahead of time, I won’t ask you to stay, just tell me and I will still think highly of you and remember the kind-hearted person that you are.

When in Roxas Blvd

Yesterday, I had this spontaneous trip of walking from Vito Cruz to Roxas Blvd and then to Pedro Gil. I was a bit scared at first or more like paranoid because I have been mugged and had a knife pointed at me somewhere in Manila but I decided to shrug that feeling off and decided to brave the streets of the city. I spent most of my time at Roxas Blvd waiting for that perfect sunset shot. While waiting, I was watching people from all walks of life. There were those who wanted to get fit, those who were briskly walking going to their next meeting and those lovey dovey couple who only need each other, a good view, crispy chicharon and a bottle of soda to have a perfect date. 🙂 Life there seemed to be so simple and laid back, I’ve seen someone took a bucket of water and then took a bath by the bay. lol! There were also those grandpas who were fishing using their makeshift fishing rod and someone approached me and offered to teach me which I gratefully accepted since I was so amazed by what they were doing and I got a teeny tiny fishy! 🙂 It was my first time to go fishing, the grandpa even told me that I can always come to Roxas blvd and he’ll let me borrow his fishing rod. After that little fishing stint, I walked some more to find the perfect spot to wait for the sunset. I found the spot and bought myself a drink because I was so thirsty from all that walking and talking with grandpa (forgot to ask for his name), and then a guy with a boombox sat next to me, usually, I would get so irritated with that loud and corny music but for some reason, I enjoyed it and I even sang along while bobbing my head, feeling the rhythm. Hahaha!

That impromptu photowalk made me realize how much I forgot life’s simple pleasures. While walking around, I saw kids who were so happy and content with their sodas in a plastic bag with no straw. I saw couples having a perfect afternoon without the fancy foods and places. I realized that life got so commercialized that a lot of people, including me, think that in order to have fun even just for a day, you have to have thousands of money in your wallet but my Roxas Blvd experience proved me wrong and taught a lot of things.

Needless to say, I enjoyed Roxas Blvd and its interesting people.I will definitely go back to chill there and hope that the sun isn’t covered by clouds. Looking forward! And oh, I spent 100  php for a 30 minute leg massage with a magnificent view of the dusky sky and a bottle of water.

 

P.S. Check my IG for the photos I took @iamtoneeainah 🙂

My Hopes and Prayers this 2017

This is the year that I will shine! 🙂 

2016 was extremely rough for me but it ended pretty well. I am taking the course that I really feel like where I belong, I have amazing friends and started to become more open to my family; my parents to be specific. However, despite being blessed with an attitude-forming year, I still have high hopes for this year-2017. The main thing that I am focusing this year is me. I want to be the better if not the best version of myself yet.

This year will be the year that I find my voice, that I discover who I am. This is the year that I will uncover me, and unlock my full potential. In 2017, I have the hope of finding my style, what I like, and don’t like. I choose to be happy this year, I always do. I will not let depression and anxiety get the best of me, I will learn healthy coping techniques and continue pushing forward. I choose to be kind, because others lack the kindness this world needs. I will grow as a young woman, and learn how to love myself more everyday. I want to grow with confidence. I am going to surround myself with people who love me, accept me, support and encourage me. I am cutting out toxic friendships, and forgiving people who have hurt me in the past. This year I will rule, this year I will shine, this year I will be stronger than ever before, of course, that’s with the help and guidance of the one who never left me no matter what I have done. He who loved and continues to love me even when I seem to forgot about Him. He who will never forsake me-God. ♥

I am excited to see what God has in store for me this 2017. I am prepared for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am not asking for the best year of my life, but I am asking for a better year than 2016. I am ready to embrace this year with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart. I will learn how to live my life the way I want, and how to finally be proud of myself. I want see change and I am striving for this change I wish to see. I know I am asking a lot of 2017, but this year will be memorable. It will be filled with great opportunities and more blessings. I am ready for you, 2017! I know it will not be an easy ride but I am all set to kick some ass! 🙂

 

PS: This is a long overdue post. I’ve been slacking on this blog. haha! Peace! :*

 

Positive outlook is the key, beautiful people! 🙂

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is a textbook at Hogwarts written by Newt Scamander, so we (viewers) were taken way back even before Harry Potter was born; making this movie a prequel to HP series. The story started with Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) walking through the streets of New York City with his suit case which turns out to be a portal to his menagerie of magical creatures. Due to some turn of events Newt mistakenly swapped his suit case to a suit case full of bread that belongs to Jacob Kowalski (Dan Fogler) an aspiring baker, a no maj (muggle). Jacob, not aware of what happened, opened the suit case full of magical creatures.

When some of the creatures managed to escape, Newt, sisters Tina (Katherine Waterson) and Queenie (Allison Sudol) – American wizards, worked together to gather the creatures. And on their journey to gathering the magical creatures, they discovered the ill motives of MACUSA head of security Percival Graves (Collin Farrell).

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them is a big feast for the eyes, it is thoroughly animated and perfectly edited. From watching the movie itself, everyone can tell that the animators did an excellent job.This movie is richly colored and is totally cinematic. The shots taken,the lighting, the backdrops were perfect for each scene. Plot wise, it is thin but it surely is laying down the foundation for the next 4 installments. Yes, there will be 4 more movie installments! Yaaaaaay!

HAPPY WAITING, POTTERHEADS!

 

Five years into the Future

Here I am sitting on a corner of my favorite coffee shop, I should be studying for an upcoming exam but my mind, being the ultimate wanderer that it is, takes me 5 years into my future…

Five years… A lot of things can and will happen within that span of time. If someone is to ask me what and how do I see myself in 5 years time, I would say, doing what I love and pursuing my passion and art. As a 20 year old lady, considered to be a grown up, I have learned that plans are just plans and I can totally deviate from it if I feel like it’s only right to do so, with sound and unbiased judgment of course. As I have mentioned in my previous entry here, when I was younger, I like doing concrete plans for my life. But as I grew older and experienced life more, I discovered that is not how it should always be. Especially for someone as erratic as me. To be honest, I don’t even know what I would be in the future. A writer, a production manager, a travel blogger, I can be all that and more, right? So why should I box myself with just one profession? What I’m sure of is that, I will pursue all of my dreams and do things that will improve me as an individual.

One thing I have learned is to not compare myself to other people. I have a complete different set of skills and my mind is wired differently. 🙂 So most of the time, I am just minding my own business and let myself flourish. It is normal that some people won’t agree with what I want to do with my life AKA my parents. I have come a loooooong and arduous way just to pursue this dream of mine and be on track that I made. It’s hard having parents with so much expectation and wants me to be a doctor or anything that has a licensure exam. For them passing the licensure exam equates to being called a professional which means more money. For them, making money is the biggest factor for choosing a profession/career. But for me, money is just secondary, as long as I will be earning enough to have a secured and comfortable life, I am happy with it. I don’t need much. What I need is a career that gives me happiness. Something that will excite me to wake up early in the morning, will make me extra patient while enduring the traffic. I want something that will improve my way of thinking, my outlook on life and myself as a person, not just something that will give me money every 15th and 30th of the month. I want to experience life more and see what the world has to offer and not just slump on my desk in front of my computer working like a robot.

So yeah, 5 years from now, I am already doing things that I love. No specifics. Just the things that I love and will help me pay the bills. 😉

Back to studying! 😛

if Philippines can talk

I should be reviewing for a report later but my ADHD mind keeps on making me wonder what would the Philippines say if it can talk…

This year has been a crazy year to say the very least for every Filipino and even for the Philippines itself. Starting from the election campaign, debates of the presidential candidates, election, proclamation, and so on and so forth. If I am going to list everything that happened/happening, this post will be at least a 1000 word entry.

I am deeply burdened by how other Filipinos carry themselves and communicate their opinions. Is it really necessary to drop foul comments just to get your point across? Wouldn’t it be nicer to have a healthy discussion and exchange of opinions? Instead of bashing each other, in this case, Filipino to Filipino, why don’t they explain how and why they came up with that stand and belief? Everyone is entitled to have their own opinion and stand, it is a right. It is natural. Everyone has their own story to tell so don’t be so quick to judge.

Instead of being anti/pro *president’s name* why can’t we be Pro Philippines? Pro-Philippines means we will accept and appreciate the things done for our country’s betterment and advancement regardless of who’s the President. And then let’s all fight against the things done to tarnish our country’s character (i.e. corruption, drugs, etc.). We are Filipinos and we all want the same thing – a better country where we can live comfortably and safely.

Be a responsible citizen who thinks critically and weighs everything before actually doing something. 🙂 It is good to be politically and socially aware, educate yourself and don’t just base your stand and opinion on facebook articles. 😉

Unspoken Thoughts

I was cleaning my room when I found a random notebook laying under my bed. Being the curious cat that I am, I opened it and it was a blast from the past. Thought I would share here the entry I wrote more than a year ago…

—

I once asked myself what I am doing with my life. This is not who I really am, I know I can do better. I know that I am better than this. Better than all the adversities I had came across in my life. Every day is a constant question of where am I going and what am I gonna do. I am not like this before. I am enthusiastic, full of life and driven but I suddenly woke up not feeling like that anymore. I woke up realizing that I lost my drive, I lost my enthusiasm, I lost my passion. In other words, I am lost. I am lost in this terrifying world that feeds with the weak and helpless; a world that is definitely too big if you’ll walk alone and not knowing where to go with no one to run to. For me, that’s the scariest thing a man would have to endure. One thing lead to another, being alone made me lose my sense of direction, my driving force. Losing the driving force to go on scared me. That scary feeling made me stagnant. Anxiety came in when stagnation hit me. I am often awake at the time everyone was soundly sleeping. I was there on my bed silently crying, careful not to make a noise while everybody is peacefully asleep. And then I realized that it’s about time to stop being the wimpy kid so I decided to man up and find myself. I’ve tried to run around hoping I would find someone or something to ignite the fire in me that slowly died but I found myself running a frivolous run. I suddenly forgot how to dream. In the quest of redeeming my old self back, I delved into the vastness of this hideous world even more. I became this abominable and abhorrent person I never thought I would be. I indulged myself in things I know would not satisfy me. In things I know would cause further damage in my already vitiated self. But I continued running, galloping to somewhere I don’t know with the hopes of getting myself back and it occurred to me, I lost it. I lost myself. I lose this quest; I was unable to redeem myself. I failed to keep and hold the fragment of my old self I’m trying to find. —

This was written when I was at my lowest point of my life. During those times, I felt so useless. I felt like a zombie wandering this earth aimlessly. I was doing things just to comply to what my parents want until I completely lost myself. Hehe. Too much drama, I know.

Looking back, I am happy I made it through this phase of my life. I really thought that was it. That was the end of me. But I was wrong. One thing I realized just now, is that, it is only me who will decide if I am finished or not. It is totally up to me to continue fighting or let the difficult circumstance/s define me. It is I who should define the circumstance/s and not the other way around. If I am given a chance to go back and change things to make it better and more beautiful, I think I would pass. Those times are my refining moment. If not for those overwhelming emotions and events that I have to go through, I wouldn’t be like this now, probably I wouldn’t even be where I am now. To be honest, I am thankful I went through that moment; it made me a better, stronger, wiser and enduring version of myself.

Indeed, everything happens for a reason. You may not understand it now, but time will come everything will materialize and you will understand why a certain thing happened. Just don’t give up. Fight for yourself, for what you believe in. 🙂 It is never wrong to get up and try again. If you fall, you may take a rest, try to take and process everything and when you’re ready, smile and kick some ass! You’ll get there! Believe me, you will. 🙂 You just have to believe in yourself, keep on pressing forward and choose to see the good in every situation and focus on that. It will take time, so be patient; after all, patience is a virtue and every good things come to those who wait but not to those who just wait and do nothing. You know what I mean 🙂

Will. Determination. Positivity. Love. Passion.

 

Finish strong, beautiful people!