To You who will dare…

…to love me, you should know that I cry too often, whether I’m just watching a movie, remembering things and/or people that have hurt me and sometimes I will cry just because I can and I feel like it (crazy). I am afraid of being left behind and being not good enough. Growing up, there’s this constant standard imposed to me that I should reach, that’s how I was raised, I am competitive and I won’t back down til I win, and it’s tiring and draining. I will always be doubtful and would sometimes not believe  when you tell me how much I matter to you and how much you value and appreciate me, you can tell me you love me for so many times  but  I would still be afraid of you leaving me. Don’t blame yourself, that’s just how I am wired, I always prepare for the worst because most of the time, I get the worst. When I fall in love with you, I will love you wholeheartedly, your quirks and weirdness. I will fall in love with your strengths and will help you improve your weaknesses, I will always be with you in every step of the way, always behind you when you feel like you are alone and you have no one to run to; you have me. 🙂 I am difficult to love. I am sensitive, erratic, moody and will have outbursts, but for me, loving you will always be so easy. All I ask is that you don’t give up on me and in return, I won’t give up on you and I will love you with my entire ♥. And if one day you decide to leave, just tell me ahead of time, I won’t ask you to stay, just tell me and I will still think highly of you and remember the kind-hearted person that you are.

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A letter of love, hope and confusion

“…because until that happened, I will still hold on and love you like I always did… “

Coffee shop is a place with diverse people, in here, you can see business men and women answering never ending emails, students who are cramming a paper (like me) or studying for an upcoming exam, friends who catch up or commiserate with each other. And today, as I am about to finish a paper that is due 12 mn today, I can’t help but eavesdrop (they are talking really loud, ok? haha) to the 2 girls next to my table. They look like they are best friends and the other girl is crying miserably, loud enough to draw attention to them but they don’t give a fuck. I heard her telling to her best friend that she wants to write a letter to her boyfriend whom she really loved and loves so much. This boyfriend of her just disappeared with no warning, no nothing, he just disappeared like a bubble. I heard almost everything which automatically stirred my mind and got it working. So instead of finishing my paper, I wrote a letter for the boyfriend of this miserable lady. Hehe.

I mustered all my courage to write this letter to you. I poured my heart and soul into this letter with the hope of getting a response from you. It’s been 5 months since the last time I saw and talked to you. The longest 5 months of my life. I miss you. Everything about you. Your laughs, your deep and modulated voice, your warm hands and hugs that never failed to make me feel warm and cozy whenever I’m cold which pretty much happens all the time. I miss our late night talks where we used to share our dreams, fear and the littlest thing we can possibly think of. I miss you. I long for you. My heart and body long for you. Why did you leave me? Have I done something wrong? Is there something I haven’t done? Did I hurt or offend you? You left me cluelessly  hanging to all your promises, all our plans. It has been 5 months and yet, here I am, waiting and hoping that one day you’ll back to me. My friends tell me I’m crazy, that I am wishfully thinking, that I should stop, move on and start dating again but what if you come back? What if you still want to be with me and you just needed some time to find yourself? I don’t want to hurt you! So I will patiently wait for you.I still believe that you will come back to me and we will be exactly how we were 5 months ago. I closed all my doors and will only open them for you. Not a day passes by without me missing you terribly. For now I will just have to satisfy myself watching our videos and looking at our photos until the day you come back to me and hug me and make me feel warm, wanted and loved. Please come back to me. I can;t imagine life without you.  We were the perfect couple! We understand each other, we complement each other. You said life will never be the same without me. So why did you leave me? You left with no explanation. You just left. If somehow, you fall out of love to me, please just come back for one last time, let me hug you so tight while you tell me why you left because until that happened, I will still hold on and love you like I always did… 

Now back to finishing my paper! Hehe.

 

P.S.

I hope that girl gets the explanation closure she needs.

No, thank you. :)

A “friend” hit me up on facebook earlier, he was asking me if we can catch up over coffee and movie, just like what we used to do before. He was asking a lot of questions like if I have a boyfriend now, or a suitor. He was pretty straight forward with all of his questions. This “friend” and I haven’t had any communication for years. So I was kinda intrigued why contacting me all of a sudden. Being the curious cat that I am, I decided to “visit” his profile. There were a lot of wall posts made by his friends telling him that he should move on and *his gf’s name* is not someone to cry over. Those wall posts answered my question. His girlfriend and him broke up. That is why he asked me out. lol. He is coming back to me- sweet, right? but not after a recent break up. Tsk.

Him “coming back” to me made me realize one thing: I DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER THE BEST. I know my worth. 🙂 Yes, I did invest feelings to that guy, I thought he was the one *pukes* but my little fairy tale ended even before I was ready. And now that my prince charming is making a come back, should I accept him? Should I welcome him with open arms?  Hmmm..

This entry is for all the girls out there! 🙂 We don’t need a man to complete us. Especially if that man is an asshole. Our identity isn’t with the man we are with. Our identity is what we make it. It is okay to turn down guys whom we think isn’t the best for us. You won’t die if you don’t have a boyfriend that will probably give you a quarter of kilig and a whole lot of emotional stress. Don’t go gaga in finding your “man” being single doesn’t make you less of a woman or a lady. 🙂 Instead, focus on yourself. Be the best version of yourself. Life is a long journey. Spend it by knowing yourself, discovering more about yourself, don’t be discouraged if you don’t have someone yet you can romantically spend your life with, you have amazing friends! And when everything is in its perfect place, before you know it, the right man is right next to you.

Do not settle for less than what you deserve, girl! Do not settle for someone who is only after your body. Do not settle for someone who will leave when the fun times ended. Settle for someone who will be celebrating with you when you’re at your highest and will commiserate and assure you that everything’s going to be fine when nothing’s going well. Be with someone who will flourish you not someone who will just feed off of you and leave you when you’re all consumed.

KNOW WHAT YOUR WORTH IS, GIRL! YOU ARE NOT A SECOND OPTION. NOT A BED WARMER. YOU ARE SOMEONE TO BE LOVED AND CHERISHED. AND IT IS TOTALLY OKAY TO BE SINGLE! 😉 AND MAKE SURE THAT BEFORE YOU LOVE ANYONE ELSE, YOU LOVE AND ACCEPT YOURSELF. 🙂