To You who will dare…

…to love me, you should know that I cry too often, whether I’m just watching a movie, remembering things and/or people that have hurt me and sometimes I will cry just because I can and I feel like it (crazy). I am afraid of being left behind and being not good enough. Growing up, there’s this constant standard imposed to me that I should reach, that’s how I was raised, I am competitive and I won’t back down til I win, and it’s tiring and draining. I will always be doubtful and would sometimes not believe  when you tell me how much I matter to you and how much you value and appreciate me, you can tell me you love me for so many times  but  I would still be afraid of you leaving me. Don’t blame yourself, that’s just how I am wired, I always prepare for the worst because most of the time, I get the worst. When I fall in love with you, I will love you wholeheartedly, your quirks and weirdness. I will fall in love with your strengths and will help you improve your weaknesses, I will always be with you in every step of the way, always behind you when you feel like you are alone and you have no one to run to; you have me. 🙂 I am difficult to love. I am sensitive, erratic, moody and will have outbursts, but for me, loving you will always be so easy. All I ask is that you don’t give up on me and in return, I won’t give up on you and I will love you with my entire ♥. And if one day you decide to leave, just tell me ahead of time, I won’t ask you to stay, just tell me and I will still think highly of you and remember the kind-hearted person that you are.

When in Roxas Blvd

Yesterday, I had this spontaneous trip of walking from Vito Cruz to Roxas Blvd and then to Pedro Gil. I was a bit scared at first or more like paranoid because I have been mugged and had a knife pointed at me somewhere in Manila but I decided to shrug that feeling off and decided to brave the streets of the city. I spent most of my time at Roxas Blvd waiting for that perfect sunset shot. While waiting, I was watching people from all walks of life. There were those who wanted to get fit, those who were briskly walking going to their next meeting and those lovey dovey couple who only need each other, a good view, crispy chicharon and a bottle of soda to have a perfect date. 🙂 Life there seemed to be so simple and laid back, I’ve seen someone took a bucket of water and then took a bath by the bay. lol! There were also those grandpas who were fishing using their makeshift fishing rod and someone approached me and offered to teach me which I gratefully accepted since I was so amazed by what they were doing and I got a teeny tiny fishy! 🙂 It was my first time to go fishing, the grandpa even told me that I can always come to Roxas blvd and he’ll let me borrow his fishing rod. After that little fishing stint, I walked some more to find the perfect spot to wait for the sunset. I found the spot and bought myself a drink because I was so thirsty from all that walking and talking with grandpa (forgot to ask for his name), and then a guy with a boombox sat next to me, usually, I would get so irritated with that loud and corny music but for some reason, I enjoyed it and I even sang along while bobbing my head, feeling the rhythm. Hahaha!

That impromptu photowalk made me realize how much I forgot life’s simple pleasures. While walking around, I saw kids who were so happy and content with their sodas in a plastic bag with no straw. I saw couples having a perfect afternoon without the fancy foods and places. I realized that life got so commercialized that a lot of people, including me, think that in order to have fun even just for a day, you have to have thousands of money in your wallet but my Roxas Blvd experience proved me wrong and taught a lot of things.

Needless to say, I enjoyed Roxas Blvd and its interesting people.I will definitely go back to chill there and hope that the sun isn’t covered by clouds. Looking forward! And oh, I spent 100  php for a 30 minute leg massage with a magnificent view of the dusky sky and a bottle of water.

 

P.S. Check my IG for the photos I took @iamtoneeainah 🙂

Five years into the Future

Here I am sitting on a corner of my favorite coffee shop, I should be studying for an upcoming exam but my mind, being the ultimate wanderer that it is, takes me 5 years into my future…

Five years… A lot of things can and will happen within that span of time. If someone is to ask me what and how do I see myself in 5 years time, I would say, doing what I love and pursuing my passion and art. As a 20 year old lady, considered to be a grown up, I have learned that plans are just plans and I can totally deviate from it if I feel like it’s only right to do so, with sound and unbiased judgment of course. As I have mentioned in my previous entry here, when I was younger, I like doing concrete plans for my life. But as I grew older and experienced life more, I discovered that is not how it should always be. Especially for someone as erratic as me. To be honest, I don’t even know what I would be in the future. A writer, a production manager, a travel blogger, I can be all that and more, right? So why should I box myself with just one profession? What I’m sure of is that, I will pursue all of my dreams and do things that will improve me as an individual.

One thing I have learned is to not compare myself to other people. I have a complete different set of skills and my mind is wired differently. 🙂 So most of the time, I am just minding my own business and let myself flourish. It is normal that some people won’t agree with what I want to do with my life AKA my parents. I have come a loooooong and arduous way just to pursue this dream of mine and be on track that I made. It’s hard having parents with so much expectation and wants me to be a doctor or anything that has a licensure exam. For them passing the licensure exam equates to being called a professional which means more money. For them, making money is the biggest factor for choosing a profession/career. But for me, money is just secondary, as long as I will be earning enough to have a secured and comfortable life, I am happy with it. I don’t need much. What I need is a career that gives me happiness. Something that will excite me to wake up early in the morning, will make me extra patient while enduring the traffic. I want something that will improve my way of thinking, my outlook on life and myself as a person, not just something that will give me money every 15th and 30th of the month. I want to experience life more and see what the world has to offer and not just slump on my desk in front of my computer working like a robot.

So yeah, 5 years from now, I am already doing things that I love. No specifics. Just the things that I love and will help me pay the bills. 😉

Back to studying! 😛

if Philippines can talk

I should be reviewing for a report later but my ADHD mind keeps on making me wonder what would the Philippines say if it can talk…

This year has been a crazy year to say the very least for every Filipino and even for the Philippines itself. Starting from the election campaign, debates of the presidential candidates, election, proclamation, and so on and so forth. If I am going to list everything that happened/happening, this post will be at least a 1000 word entry.

I am deeply burdened by how other Filipinos carry themselves and communicate their opinions. Is it really necessary to drop foul comments just to get your point across? Wouldn’t it be nicer to have a healthy discussion and exchange of opinions? Instead of bashing each other, in this case, Filipino to Filipino, why don’t they explain how and why they came up with that stand and belief? Everyone is entitled to have their own opinion and stand, it is a right. It is natural. Everyone has their own story to tell so don’t be so quick to judge.

Instead of being anti/pro *president’s name* why can’t we be Pro Philippines? Pro-Philippines means we will accept and appreciate the things done for our country’s betterment and advancement regardless of who’s the President. And then let’s all fight against the things done to tarnish our country’s character (i.e. corruption, drugs, etc.). We are Filipinos and we all want the same thing – a better country where we can live comfortably and safely.

Be a responsible citizen who thinks critically and weighs everything before actually doing something. 🙂 It is good to be politically and socially aware, educate yourself and don’t just base your stand and opinion on facebook articles. 😉

Unspoken Thoughts

I was cleaning my room when I found a random notebook laying under my bed. Being the curious cat that I am, I opened it and it was a blast from the past. Thought I would share here the entry I wrote more than a year ago…

I once asked myself what I am doing with my life. This is not who I really am, I know I can do better. I know that I am better than this. Better than all the adversities I had came across in my life. Every day is a constant question of where am I going and what am I gonna do. I am not like this before. I am enthusiastic, full of life and driven but I suddenly woke up not feeling like that anymore. I woke up realizing that I lost my drive, I lost my enthusiasm, I lost my passion. In other words, I am lost. I am lost in this terrifying world that feeds with the weak and helpless; a world that is definitely too big if you’ll walk alone and not knowing where to go with no one to run to. For me, that’s the scariest thing a man would have to endure. One thing lead to another, being alone made me lose my sense of direction, my driving force. Losing the driving force to go on scared me. That scary feeling made me stagnant. Anxiety came in when stagnation hit me. I am often awake at the time everyone was soundly sleeping. I was there on my bed silently crying, careful not to make a noise while everybody is peacefully asleep. And then I realized that it’s about time to stop being the wimpy kid so I decided to man up and find myself. I’ve tried to run around hoping I would find someone or something to ignite the fire in me that slowly died but I found myself running a frivolous run. I suddenly forgot how to dream. In the quest of redeeming my old self back, I delved into the vastness of this hideous world even more. I became this abominable and abhorrent person I never thought I would be. I indulged myself in things I know would not satisfy me. In things I know would cause further damage in my already vitiated self. But I continued running, galloping to somewhere I don’t know with the hopes of getting myself back and it occurred to me, I lost it. I lost myself. I lose this quest; I was unable to redeem myself. I failed to keep and hold the fragment of my old self I’m trying to find. —

This was written when I was at my lowest point of my life. During those times, I felt so useless. I felt like a zombie wandering this earth aimlessly. I was doing things just to comply to what my parents want until I completely lost myself. Hehe. Too much drama, I know.

Looking back, I am happy I made it through this phase of my life. I really thought that was it. That was the end of me. But I was wrong. One thing I realized just now, is that, it is only me who will decide if I am finished or not. It is totally up to me to continue fighting or let the difficult circumstance/s define me. It is I who should define the circumstance/s and not the other way around. If I am given a chance to go back and change things to make it better and more beautiful, I think I would pass. Those times are my refining moment. If not for those overwhelming emotions and events that I have to go through, I wouldn’t be like this now, probably I wouldn’t even be where I am now. To be honest, I am thankful I went through that moment; it made me a better, stronger, wiser and enduring version of myself.

Indeed, everything happens for a reason. You may not understand it now, but time will come everything will materialize and you will understand why a certain thing happened. Just don’t give up. Fight for yourself, for what you believe in. 🙂 It is never wrong to get up and try again. If you fall, you may take a rest, try to take and process everything and when you’re ready, smile and kick some ass! You’ll get there! Believe me, you will. 🙂 You just have to believe in yourself, keep on pressing forward and choose to see the good in every situation and focus on that. It will take time, so be patient; after all, patience is a virtue and every good things come to those who wait but not to those who just wait and do nothing. You know what I mean 🙂

Will. Determination. Positivity. Love. Passion.

 

Finish strong, beautiful people!

One Friday Night of November

Is it a great spiritual teacher? Or indeed a teacher at all? My answer is an emphatic “Yes”, even though there will always be students who learn nothing from their teachers or misuse what they do learn.

For me it is the ultimate mind-expanding teacher. It’s a tough one – one not to be taken lightly or often. A typical wool-gathering lasts 10 to 12 hours and there’s no respite or way out once you’ve started. There were some repercussions though.

So why do it? Because the fear is worth – a million times over it’s worth – the experience.

That experience, as many writers have explained, depends dramatically on the set and setting – on what you expect of the pipe dream, where you are, whom you are with, and how safe you feel. Of course the learning experience can be plain fun according to the testimonies I have read online but for myself I used to face terrible scenes of torture, rape and other kinds of human cruelty. I do not know why, but I found myself imagining them again and again while I was listening to some good music the next morning while quietly sitting by the window watching the clouds go by. Perhaps like most people, I began by fighting them and trying to push them away, but it will not let you push anything away. You have to face it. And this is, I think, what makes it the teacher. There is no hiding with it. You have to face whatever comes up or be overwhelmed by it.

This is just one small example, and everyone’s stories are different, but again and again people report that through it they learned to know, and accept, themselves. This may be why it has such powerful therapeutic effects and can be so helpful for people facing terminal illness.

One article mentioned “spirituality” and whether anyone becomes “kinder and wiser”. Surely knowing oneself underlies all these – knowing and accepting your own mind, taking responsibility for what you have done and what you might do. Even simple kindness grows with self-knowledge. When we see ourselves clearly we can see others more clearly, and then it is much easier to be kind.

I was lucky a friend introduced me to this teacher. 🙂 Not only did I develop this new appreciation for a certain genre of music, it also opened my mind more. Weird because I thought it was just all fun and games, in fact, I didn’t tell this part to him because I was afraid he’ll laugh at me. LOL. It was an incredible and beautiful experience to say the very least for it affects your body, mind and emotion all at once.

Would I be down to meet this teacher again? Heck yeah!!

A letter of love, hope and confusion

“…because until that happened, I will still hold on and love you like I always did… “

Coffee shop is a place with diverse people, in here, you can see business men and women answering never ending emails, students who are cramming a paper (like me) or studying for an upcoming exam, friends who catch up or commiserate with each other. And today, as I am about to finish a paper that is due 12 mn today, I can’t help but eavesdrop (they are talking really loud, ok? haha) to the 2 girls next to my table. They look like they are best friends and the other girl is crying miserably, loud enough to draw attention to them but they don’t give a fuck. I heard her telling to her best friend that she wants to write a letter to her boyfriend whom she really loved and loves so much. This boyfriend of her just disappeared with no warning, no nothing, he just disappeared like a bubble. I heard almost everything which automatically stirred my mind and got it working. So instead of finishing my paper, I wrote a letter for the boyfriend of this miserable lady. Hehe.

I mustered all my courage to write this letter to you. I poured my heart and soul into this letter with the hope of getting a response from you. It’s been 5 months since the last time I saw and talked to you. The longest 5 months of my life. I miss you. Everything about you. Your laughs, your deep and modulated voice, your warm hands and hugs that never failed to make me feel warm and cozy whenever I’m cold which pretty much happens all the time. I miss our late night talks where we used to share our dreams, fear and the littlest thing we can possibly think of. I miss you. I long for you. My heart and body long for you. Why did you leave me? Have I done something wrong? Is there something I haven’t done? Did I hurt or offend you? You left me cluelessly  hanging to all your promises, all our plans. It has been 5 months and yet, here I am, waiting and hoping that one day you’ll back to me. My friends tell me I’m crazy, that I am wishfully thinking, that I should stop, move on and start dating again but what if you come back? What if you still want to be with me and you just needed some time to find yourself? I don’t want to hurt you! So I will patiently wait for you.I still believe that you will come back to me and we will be exactly how we were 5 months ago. I closed all my doors and will only open them for you. Not a day passes by without me missing you terribly. For now I will just have to satisfy myself watching our videos and looking at our photos until the day you come back to me and hug me and make me feel warm, wanted and loved. Please come back to me. I can;t imagine life without you.  We were the perfect couple! We understand each other, we complement each other. You said life will never be the same without me. So why did you leave me? You left with no explanation. You just left. If somehow, you fall out of love to me, please just come back for one last time, let me hug you so tight while you tell me why you left because until that happened, I will still hold on and love you like I always did… 

Now back to finishing my paper! Hehe.

 

P.S.

I hope that girl gets the explanation closure she needs.