My Hopes and Prayers this 2017

This is the year that I will shine! 🙂 

2016 was extremely rough for me but it ended pretty well. I am taking the course that I really feel like where I belong, I have amazing friends and started to become more open to my family; my parents to be specific. However, despite being blessed with an attitude-forming year, I still have high hopes for this year-2017. The main thing that I am focusing this year is me. I want to be the better if not the best version of myself yet.

This year will be the year that I find my voice, that I discover who I am. This is the year that I will uncover me, and unlock my full potential. In 2017, I have the hope of finding my style, what I like, and don’t like. I choose to be happy this year, I always do. I will not let depression and anxiety get the best of me, I will learn healthy coping techniques and continue pushing forward. I choose to be kind, because others lack the kindness this world needs. I will grow as a young woman, and learn how to love myself more everyday. I want to grow with confidence. I am going to surround myself with people who love me, accept me, support and encourage me. I am cutting out toxic friendships, and forgiving people who have hurt me in the past. This year I will rule, this year I will shine, this year I will be stronger than ever before, of course, that’s with the help and guidance of the one who never left me no matter what I have done. He who loved and continues to love me even when I seem to forgot about Him. He who will never forsake me-God. ♥

I am excited to see what God has in store for me this 2017. I am prepared for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am not asking for the best year of my life, but I am asking for a better year than 2016. I am ready to embrace this year with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart. I will learn how to live my life the way I want, and how to finally be proud of myself. I want see change and I am striving for this change I wish to see. I know I am asking a lot of 2017, but this year will be memorable. It will be filled with great opportunities and more blessings. I am ready for you, 2017! I know it will not be an easy ride but I am all set to kick some ass! 🙂

 

PS: This is a long overdue post. I’ve been slacking on this blog. haha! Peace! :*

 

Positive outlook is the key, beautiful people! 🙂

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A letter of love, hope and confusion

“…because until that happened, I will still hold on and love you like I always did… “

Coffee shop is a place with diverse people, in here, you can see business men and women answering never ending emails, students who are cramming a paper (like me) or studying for an upcoming exam, friends who catch up or commiserate with each other. And today, as I am about to finish a paper that is due 12 mn today, I can’t help but eavesdrop (they are talking really loud, ok? haha) to the 2 girls next to my table. They look like they are best friends and the other girl is crying miserably, loud enough to draw attention to them but they don’t give a fuck. I heard her telling to her best friend that she wants to write a letter to her boyfriend whom she really loved and loves so much. This boyfriend of her just disappeared with no warning, no nothing, he just disappeared like a bubble. I heard almost everything which automatically stirred my mind and got it working. So instead of finishing my paper, I wrote a letter for the boyfriend of this miserable lady. Hehe.

I mustered all my courage to write this letter to you. I poured my heart and soul into this letter with the hope of getting a response from you. It’s been 5 months since the last time I saw and talked to you. The longest 5 months of my life. I miss you. Everything about you. Your laughs, your deep and modulated voice, your warm hands and hugs that never failed to make me feel warm and cozy whenever I’m cold which pretty much happens all the time. I miss our late night talks where we used to share our dreams, fear and the littlest thing we can possibly think of. I miss you. I long for you. My heart and body long for you. Why did you leave me? Have I done something wrong? Is there something I haven’t done? Did I hurt or offend you? You left me cluelessly  hanging to all your promises, all our plans. It has been 5 months and yet, here I am, waiting and hoping that one day you’ll back to me. My friends tell me I’m crazy, that I am wishfully thinking, that I should stop, move on and start dating again but what if you come back? What if you still want to be with me and you just needed some time to find yourself? I don’t want to hurt you! So I will patiently wait for you.I still believe that you will come back to me and we will be exactly how we were 5 months ago. I closed all my doors and will only open them for you. Not a day passes by without me missing you terribly. For now I will just have to satisfy myself watching our videos and looking at our photos until the day you come back to me and hug me and make me feel warm, wanted and loved. Please come back to me. I can;t imagine life without you.  We were the perfect couple! We understand each other, we complement each other. You said life will never be the same without me. So why did you leave me? You left with no explanation. You just left. If somehow, you fall out of love to me, please just come back for one last time, let me hug you so tight while you tell me why you left because until that happened, I will still hold on and love you like I always did… 

Now back to finishing my paper! Hehe.

 

P.S.

I hope that girl gets the explanation closure she needs.

No, thank you. :)

A “friend” hit me up on facebook earlier, he was asking me if we can catch up over coffee and movie, just like what we used to do before. He was asking a lot of questions like if I have a boyfriend now, or a suitor. He was pretty straight forward with all of his questions. This “friend” and I haven’t had any communication for years. So I was kinda intrigued why contacting me all of a sudden. Being the curious cat that I am, I decided to “visit” his profile. There were a lot of wall posts made by his friends telling him that he should move on and *his gf’s name* is not someone to cry over. Those wall posts answered my question. His girlfriend and him broke up. That is why he asked me out. lol. He is coming back to me- sweet, right? but not after a recent break up. Tsk.

Him “coming back” to me made me realize one thing: I DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER THE BEST. I know my worth. 🙂 Yes, I did invest feelings to that guy, I thought he was the one *pukes* but my little fairy tale ended even before I was ready. And now that my prince charming is making a come back, should I accept him? Should I welcome him with open arms?  Hmmm..

This entry is for all the girls out there! 🙂 We don’t need a man to complete us. Especially if that man is an asshole. Our identity isn’t with the man we are with. Our identity is what we make it. It is okay to turn down guys whom we think isn’t the best for us. You won’t die if you don’t have a boyfriend that will probably give you a quarter of kilig and a whole lot of emotional stress. Don’t go gaga in finding your “man” being single doesn’t make you less of a woman or a lady. 🙂 Instead, focus on yourself. Be the best version of yourself. Life is a long journey. Spend it by knowing yourself, discovering more about yourself, don’t be discouraged if you don’t have someone yet you can romantically spend your life with, you have amazing friends! And when everything is in its perfect place, before you know it, the right man is right next to you.

Do not settle for less than what you deserve, girl! Do not settle for someone who is only after your body. Do not settle for someone who will leave when the fun times ended. Settle for someone who will be celebrating with you when you’re at your highest and will commiserate and assure you that everything’s going to be fine when nothing’s going well. Be with someone who will flourish you not someone who will just feed off of you and leave you when you’re all consumed.

KNOW WHAT YOUR WORTH IS, GIRL! YOU ARE NOT A SECOND OPTION. NOT A BED WARMER. YOU ARE SOMEONE TO BE LOVED AND CHERISHED. AND IT IS TOTALLY OKAY TO BE SINGLE! 😉 AND MAKE SURE THAT BEFORE YOU LOVE ANYONE ELSE, YOU LOVE AND ACCEPT YOURSELF. 🙂

 

Oh October

As I sit down here at the very corner of my go-to coffee shop I let my mind wander and look back. I realized that my mind and my heart have been in an emotional whirlwind for the last month. Have you ever felt being unable to translate what you’re feeling and what your thoughts are into words? That is exactly what I’m feeling right now. As I am writing this, my heart is beating uncontrollably for an unknown reason. Maybe because of the coffee? Naaah. That’s just how fucked up I am as of the moment. October has been a roller coaster ride for me. A lot of things happened – things I have never expected to experience. I must say, October caught me off-guard.

I did things I might regret in the longer run. I cut loose my relationship (not romantically) with someone whom I think genuinely cares for me and wants to know me for who I really am and is willing to scratch the surface of what I’m showing just to really know me personally. And for what? For a petty reason. 😦 And being the prideful bitch that I am, I find it really hard to admit my mistake. *sigh* And because of that, I did something to somehow fill the void I am feeling and to take my mind off of the intrapersonal and interpersonal issuessssss I am having.

Now that my schooling is going into the direction that I want it to be, my emotions are fucked up. When will I ever get my shit together? I can’t wait for these things to be over and gather my shit together.  I SHOULD AND WILL MAKE ALL THESE FUCKERY STOP AND LAUGH AT MY 20 YEAR OLD SELF.

I want to write more but my mind is failing me to translate the feels into words…

 

Life in a Blur

Life to me is kind of blurry right now. I am almost 20 but still in college when all of my batch mates are now working or reviewing for their license examination for teachers (LET) while others review for National Medical Admission Test (NMAT). I sometimes feel down and discouraged whenever I am thinking what’s in store for me because clearly, I don’t even know. Back in high school I was always this effortless honor student. I don’t study that much but I am consistently included in the honor roll. Some even asked me how I was doing that. Now, those same people asking me those kind of questions are employed or are already on their final year in college. Oh the ironies of life. College happened and everything went spiraling down. I lost my will and passion to study because I was forced to take the course I never thought of taking and was enrolled to a school that was not even my choice. In other words, I didn’t make any decisions   for myself during those times. I said to myself that I will just give this a shot and maybe, just maybe, my parents were right that I will like it there. But they were wrong. I never belonged into that university. It was just too much for me. A big new surrounding, I don’t even know a single person when all of my block mates almost know each other. Good thing I made few good friends whom helped me keep my sanity in that hellish place.

I would say that those parts of my life was where I was in my lowest. I felt alone especially when my parents were treating me so effin cold!! Not to mention that my sister who happens to be one of my confidant was working overseas and I don’t want to add to the list of things she needed to mind. So I kept everything to myself. Didn’t even tell my friends about it because I was thinking they were also having their own predicaments. I was alone. One afternoon, I was alone in my room and I found myself browsing about the most effective way to kill myself, when I realized what I was doing I got scared of myself. I know I don’t want to die yet but the things I was carrying were just too much. They were eating devouring me.

If I were to describe that chapter of my life, I would say it was a blurry photo, almost unable to make sense of what’s in the photograph. I never expected that something good will happen during those times. They say when you’re at the bottom there’s no other way but up. And it’s true! Up until now, I still couldn’t believe that during my darkest moment is when I also discovered more of myself. I found out that I can paint if I put my heart and soul into to it. Most importantly, I realized what my calling is. What’s my purpose. I rediscovered my passion. Now, I am more fueled and determined to finish this race because I am actually running for something that I love and want and not just what my parents told me.

To close this post, I would just like to say that it is okay if you haven’t figured your life yet. It’s okay, really! Figuring life takes time, others do it shorter, others like me do it longer. But it doesn’t mean that you’re a loser if it took you longer to figure your life out. Always remember that precious gems were once rough and imperfectly shaped, those gems needed to be refined and have undergone great pressure and immeasurable heat for them to be shiny, beautiful and perfectly shaped. Same goes with our life. We are those freshly mined gems that have yet to undergo the process of perfection. Molding us may require a lot of endurance for pain, we may also go out of our comfort zone to grow and learn more, it may be uncomfortable but it is worth it. After all those grueling moments, I am sure we will all come out refined and beautiful if we continue to go on and fight for what we believe in.  Do not be afraid to commit mistakes. It’s not the end of the world if you do. Go out and commit mistakes and learn from them! After all, it is not about who finished first but it is about the quality of your journey and the person you have become because of that journey and all the trials that came with it.

“Even when in blur, beautiful things can still happen. You just have to be strong and patient.”

Finish strong, beautiful people! Hihihi! Goodnight.