Know thyself. :)

Back at home, I was always this girly girl, I always have to be prim and proper as per my father. He used to tell me that I should always move like the lady that I am, he will always tell me that I eat too fast, I sit like a boy and then telling to sit properly, like how a proper lady should sit/act, basically grooming me to be so lady like. I’m always like that until I left home. Upon leaving our home or more like running away from home, I discovered a lot more about myself, some made me happy, the others made me sad and one thing that I’m discovering now is confusing me big time! This one thing is really new to me, something I’ve never felt before, making my insides flutter, warm and melt-yes all that at once. Crazy, right? 

It all started when I met this person, who’s now being the center of this confusion. At first, this person and I are not really that close. Well, maybe because we’re both the shy type but as time went by, our (friendly) relationship improved. This person would always get my attention whenever chance presented itself, whether it’s by chance or consciously doing it or this person is really friendly, that’s something I can’t say. I don’t wanna assume because I don’t wanna be disappointed in the end, and by doing that it’ll just confuse my already confused brain even more. 

I’m done with my coffee, and I’m now sleepy. Good night, beautiful ppl! Until the next entry. Xoxo 💋

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What I did was totally unexpected from me. I was always this goody-goody girl, good grades, never misses a Sunday going to church. A lot of my friends view me as this stable and rational girl, well, at least from the outside or based off of what I chose to show them. The whole thing seemed so strange and out of character, but during that time it appeared to me as the only solution to the series of problems I single handedly created (well not really, but that’s for another post). At that time, the thought of doing it made me feel like I can do it. I am ready for this shit!

I gave the house one last look, it might take a while for me to see it again. After a few good minutes of relishing the memories I had in our home, I set off. At first it felt like I was doing something I should have done long ago, I felt free from all the judgment and criticism but it did not last long. My money which is technically my parents’ are slipping out of my wallet faster than what I expected.

A crazy thing was this happened all too soon and I let my emotions get to my mind so I ran off without even knowing where the fuck to go! But it felt soooooo fucking good. It felt like I was finally able to unfurl my wings and fly to somewhere I don’t know. lol. That being said, I spent most of the day in a coffee shop, having a good time like I didn’t ran away from home. Though that good time didn’t last that long because when I finally opened my phone hours after running away, my phone was blasting from all the text messages and I read them one by one, most of it came from my mom, dad and my bestfriend, just when I thought I was so strong to be able to do what I’ve always wanted to do, I found myself crying like a little girl in a coffee shop not giving a fuck to those wondering eyes. It’s getting late and I need a place to sleep so I texted my grade school bestfriend if I can crash to her place and she said I can stay as long as I want since she’s living alone. That stopped my eyes from leaking. Hehe.

Days turned into weeks and my mom keeps on texting and calling me, asking me if I’m okay, if I’ve eaten, blah blah blah. Part of me wants to go meet her, cry and tell that it’s too much for me, this is hard. For someone living her life so sheltered, running away is scary but there’s also a part of me that wants to prove to them especially to my brother that I can do this and that part weighs more than the fear.

To be honest, I am afraid, I’m not strong but I have to do this. First for myself and then to prove something to my family. My mom offered me money as tempting as it is, I didn’t take it because I remember what my dad told me, as long as I’m under his roof, using his money, he have a say as to what I should do with my life. So yeah, my money is now well budgeted up to the last peso til I get my first salary on my first job! Yeah, I got a job because I have to eat and finally contribute and to the bills here and stop being a free loader.

On the process of all these, I’ve learned and is still learning a lot, but that’s for another post because my mind is not functioning so good right now as you can see on how I wrote this but I just have to let it out so yeah. Hehe!

Have a great day, beautiful people! 🙂
EDIT: I’ve written this a month ago, and finally decided to publish this one. As of now, I’m living alone, well not really bc I have housemates but I decided to move out of my bestfriend’s place, stayed there for like 2 weeks only. Work’s going okay, I’m liking it so far, as well as the people I’m working with. I think I’m going home for Christmas, tbh, I miss my family and my baby Maxie…

To You who will dare…

…to love me, you should know that I cry too often, whether I’m just watching a movie, remembering things and/or people that have hurt me and sometimes I will cry just because I can and I feel like it (crazy). I am afraid of being left behind and being not good enough. Growing up, there’s this constant standard imposed to me that I should reach, that’s how I was raised, I am competitive and I won’t back down til I win, and it’s tiring and draining. I will always be doubtful and would sometimes not believe  when you tell me how much I matter to you and how much you value and appreciate me, you can tell me you love me for so many times  but  I would still be afraid of you leaving me. Don’t blame yourself, that’s just how I am wired, I always prepare for the worst because most of the time, I get the worst. When I fall in love with you, I will love you wholeheartedly, your quirks and weirdness. I will fall in love with your strengths and will help you improve your weaknesses, I will always be with you in every step of the way, always behind you when you feel like you are alone and you have no one to run to; you have me. 🙂 I am difficult to love. I am sensitive, erratic, moody and will have outbursts, but for me, loving you will always be so easy. All I ask is that you don’t give up on me and in return, I won’t give up on you and I will love you with my entire ♥. And if one day you decide to leave, just tell me ahead of time, I won’t ask you to stay, just tell me and I will still think highly of you and remember the kind-hearted person that you are.

When in Roxas Blvd

Yesterday, I had this spontaneous trip of walking from Vito Cruz to Roxas Blvd and then to Pedro Gil. I was a bit scared at first or more like paranoid because I have been mugged and had a knife pointed at me somewhere in Manila but I decided to shrug that feeling off and decided to brave the streets of the city. I spent most of my time at Roxas Blvd waiting for that perfect sunset shot. While waiting, I was watching people from all walks of life. There were those who wanted to get fit, those who were briskly walking going to their next meeting and those lovey dovey couple who only need each other, a good view, crispy chicharon and a bottle of soda to have a perfect date. 🙂 Life there seemed to be so simple and laid back, I’ve seen someone took a bucket of water and then took a bath by the bay. lol! There were also those grandpas who were fishing using their makeshift fishing rod and someone approached me and offered to teach me which I gratefully accepted since I was so amazed by what they were doing and I got a teeny tiny fishy! 🙂 It was my first time to go fishing, the grandpa even told me that I can always come to Roxas blvd and he’ll let me borrow his fishing rod. After that little fishing stint, I walked some more to find the perfect spot to wait for the sunset. I found the spot and bought myself a drink because I was so thirsty from all that walking and talking with grandpa (forgot to ask for his name), and then a guy with a boombox sat next to me, usually, I would get so irritated with that loud and corny music but for some reason, I enjoyed it and I even sang along while bobbing my head, feeling the rhythm. Hahaha!

That impromptu photowalk made me realize how much I forgot life’s simple pleasures. While walking around, I saw kids who were so happy and content with their sodas in a plastic bag with no straw. I saw couples having a perfect afternoon without the fancy foods and places. I realized that life got so commercialized that a lot of people, including me, think that in order to have fun even just for a day, you have to have thousands of money in your wallet but my Roxas Blvd experience proved me wrong and taught a lot of things.

Needless to say, I enjoyed Roxas Blvd and its interesting people.I will definitely go back to chill there and hope that the sun isn’t covered by clouds. Looking forward! And oh, I spent 100  php for a 30 minute leg massage with a magnificent view of the dusky sky and a bottle of water.

 

P.S. Check my IG for the photos I took @iamtoneeainah 🙂

My Hopes and Prayers this 2017

This is the year that I will shine! 🙂 

2016 was extremely rough for me but it ended pretty well. I am taking the course that I really feel like where I belong, I have amazing friends and started to become more open to my family; my parents to be specific. However, despite being blessed with an attitude-forming year, I still have high hopes for this year-2017. The main thing that I am focusing this year is me. I want to be the better if not the best version of myself yet.

This year will be the year that I find my voice, that I discover who I am. This is the year that I will uncover me, and unlock my full potential. In 2017, I have the hope of finding my style, what I like, and don’t like. I choose to be happy this year, I always do. I will not let depression and anxiety get the best of me, I will learn healthy coping techniques and continue pushing forward. I choose to be kind, because others lack the kindness this world needs. I will grow as a young woman, and learn how to love myself more everyday. I want to grow with confidence. I am going to surround myself with people who love me, accept me, support and encourage me. I am cutting out toxic friendships, and forgiving people who have hurt me in the past. This year I will rule, this year I will shine, this year I will be stronger than ever before, of course, that’s with the help and guidance of the one who never left me no matter what I have done. He who loved and continues to love me even when I seem to forgot about Him. He who will never forsake me-God. ♥

I am excited to see what God has in store for me this 2017. I am prepared for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am not asking for the best year of my life, but I am asking for a better year than 2016. I am ready to embrace this year with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart. I will learn how to live my life the way I want, and how to finally be proud of myself. I want see change and I am striving for this change I wish to see. I know I am asking a lot of 2017, but this year will be memorable. It will be filled with great opportunities and more blessings. I am ready for you, 2017! I know it will not be an easy ride but I am all set to kick some ass! 🙂

 

PS: This is a long overdue post. I’ve been slacking on this blog. haha! Peace! :*

 

Positive outlook is the key, beautiful people! 🙂

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is a textbook at Hogwarts written by Newt Scamander, so we (viewers) were taken way back even before Harry Potter was born; making this movie a prequel to HP series. The story started with Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) walking through the streets of New York City with his suit case which turns out to be a portal to his menagerie of magical creatures. Due to some turn of events Newt mistakenly swapped his suit case to a suit case full of bread that belongs to Jacob Kowalski (Dan Fogler) an aspiring baker, a no maj (muggle). Jacob, not aware of what happened, opened the suit case full of magical creatures.

When some of the creatures managed to escape, Newt, sisters Tina (Katherine Waterson) and Queenie (Allison Sudol) – American wizards, worked together to gather the creatures. And on their journey to gathering the magical creatures, they discovered the ill motives of MACUSA head of security Percival Graves (Collin Farrell).

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them is a big feast for the eyes, it is thoroughly animated and perfectly edited. From watching the movie itself, everyone can tell that the animators did an excellent job.This movie is richly colored and is totally cinematic. The shots taken,the lighting, the backdrops were perfect for each scene. Plot wise, it is thin but it surely is laying down the foundation for the next 4 installments. Yes, there will be 4 more movie installments! Yaaaaaay!

HAPPY WAITING, POTTERHEADS!

 

Five years into the Future

Here I am sitting on a corner of my favorite coffee shop, I should be studying for an upcoming exam but my mind, being the ultimate wanderer that it is, takes me 5 years into my future…

Five years… A lot of things can and will happen within that span of time. If someone is to ask me what and how do I see myself in 5 years time, I would say, doing what I love and pursuing my passion and art. As a 20 year old lady, considered to be a grown up, I have learned that plans are just plans and I can totally deviate from it if I feel like it’s only right to do so, with sound and unbiased judgment of course. As I have mentioned in my previous entry here, when I was younger, I like doing concrete plans for my life. But as I grew older and experienced life more, I discovered that is not how it should always be. Especially for someone as erratic as me. To be honest, I don’t even know what I would be in the future. A writer, a production manager, a travel blogger, I can be all that and more, right? So why should I box myself with just one profession? What I’m sure of is that, I will pursue all of my dreams and do things that will improve me as an individual.

One thing I have learned is to not compare myself to other people. I have a complete different set of skills and my mind is wired differently. 🙂 So most of the time, I am just minding my own business and let myself flourish. It is normal that some people won’t agree with what I want to do with my life AKA my parents. I have come a loooooong and arduous way just to pursue this dream of mine and be on track that I made. It’s hard having parents with so much expectation and wants me to be a doctor or anything that has a licensure exam. For them passing the licensure exam equates to being called a professional which means more money. For them, making money is the biggest factor for choosing a profession/career. But for me, money is just secondary, as long as I will be earning enough to have a secured and comfortable life, I am happy with it. I don’t need much. What I need is a career that gives me happiness. Something that will excite me to wake up early in the morning, will make me extra patient while enduring the traffic. I want something that will improve my way of thinking, my outlook on life and myself as a person, not just something that will give me money every 15th and 30th of the month. I want to experience life more and see what the world has to offer and not just slump on my desk in front of my computer working like a robot.

So yeah, 5 years from now, I am already doing things that I love. No specifics. Just the things that I love and will help me pay the bills. 😉

Back to studying! 😛