Five years into the Future

Here I am sitting on a corner of my favorite coffee shop, I should be studying for an upcoming exam but my mind, being the ultimate wanderer that it is, takes me 5 years into my future…

Five years… A lot of things can and will happen within that span of time. If someone is to ask me what and how do I see myself in 5 years time, I would say, doing what I love and pursuing my passion and art. As a 20 year old lady, considered to be a grown up, I have learned that plans are just plans and I can totally deviate from it if I feel like it’s only right to do so, with sound and unbiased judgment of course. As I have mentioned in my previous entry here, when I was younger, I like doing concrete plans for my life. But as I grew older and experienced life more, I discovered that is not how it should always be. Especially for someone as erratic as me. To be honest, I don’t even know what I would be in the future. A writer, a production manager, a travel blogger, I can be all that and more, right? So why should I box myself with just one profession? What I’m sure of is that, I will pursue all of my dreams and do things that will improve me as an individual.

One thing I have learned is to not compare myself to other people. I have a complete different set of skills and my mind is wired differently. 🙂 So most of the time, I am just minding my own business and let myself flourish. It is normal that some people won’t agree with what I want to do with my life AKA my parents. I have come a loooooong and arduous way just to pursue this dream of mine and be on track that I made. It’s hard having parents with so much expectation and wants me to be a doctor or anything that has a licensure exam. For them passing the licensure exam equates to being called a professional which means more money. For them, making money is the biggest factor for choosing a profession/career. But for me, money is just secondary, as long as I will be earning enough to have a secured and comfortable life, I am happy with it. I don’t need much. What I need is a career that gives me happiness. Something that will excite me to wake up early in the morning, will make me extra patient while enduring the traffic. I want something that will improve my way of thinking, my outlook on life and myself as a person, not just something that will give me money every 15th and 30th of the month. I want to experience life more and see what the world has to offer and not just slump on my desk in front of my computer working like a robot.

So yeah, 5 years from now, I am already doing things that I love. No specifics. Just the things that I love and will help me pay the bills. 😉

Back to studying! 😛


if Philippines can talk

I should be reviewing for a report later but my ADHD mind keeps on making me wonder what would the Philippines say if it can talk…

This year has been a crazy year to say the very least for every Filipino and even for the Philippines itself. Starting from the election campaign, debates of the presidential candidates, election, proclamation, and so on and so forth. If I am going to list everything that happened/happening, this post will be at least a 1000 word entry.

I am deeply burdened by how other Filipinos carry themselves and communicate their opinions. Is it really necessary to drop foul comments just to get your point across? Wouldn’t it be nicer to have a healthy discussion and exchange of opinions? Instead of bashing each other, in this case, Filipino to Filipino, why don’t they explain how and why they came up with that stand and belief? Everyone is entitled to have their own opinion and stand, it is a right. It is natural. Everyone has their own story to tell so don’t be so quick to judge.

Instead of being anti/pro *president’s name* why can’t we be Pro Philippines? Pro-Philippines means we will accept and appreciate the things done for our country’s betterment and advancement regardless of who’s the President. And then let’s all fight against the things done to tarnish our country’s character (i.e. corruption, drugs, etc.). We are Filipinos and we all want the same thing – a better country where we can live comfortably and safely.

Be a responsible citizen who thinks critically and weighs everything before actually doing something. 🙂 It is good to be politically and socially aware, educate yourself and don’t just base your stand and opinion on facebook articles. 😉

Unspoken Thoughts

I was cleaning my room when I found a random notebook laying under my bed. Being the curious cat that I am, I opened it and it was a blast from the past. Thought I would share here the entry I wrote more than a year ago…

I once asked myself what I am doing with my life. This is not who I really am, I know I can do better. I know that I am better than this. Better than all the adversities I had came across in my life. Every day is a constant question of where am I going and what am I gonna do. I am not like this before. I am enthusiastic, full of life and driven but I suddenly woke up not feeling like that anymore. I woke up realizing that I lost my drive, I lost my enthusiasm, I lost my passion. In other words, I am lost. I am lost in this terrifying world that feeds with the weak and helpless; a world that is definitely too big if you’ll walk alone and not knowing where to go with no one to run to. For me, that’s the scariest thing a man would have to endure. One thing lead to another, being alone made me lose my sense of direction, my driving force. Losing the driving force to go on scared me. That scary feeling made me stagnant. Anxiety came in when stagnation hit me. I am often awake at the time everyone was soundly sleeping. I was there on my bed silently crying, careful not to make a noise while everybody is peacefully asleep. And then I realized that it’s about time to stop being the wimpy kid so I decided to man up and find myself. I’ve tried to run around hoping I would find someone or something to ignite the fire in me that slowly died but I found myself running a frivolous run. I suddenly forgot how to dream. In the quest of redeeming my old self back, I delved into the vastness of this hideous world even more. I became this abominable and abhorrent person I never thought I would be. I indulged myself in things I know would not satisfy me. In things I know would cause further damage in my already vitiated self. But I continued running, galloping to somewhere I don’t know with the hopes of getting myself back and it occurred to me, I lost it. I lost myself. I lose this quest; I was unable to redeem myself. I failed to keep and hold the fragment of my old self I’m trying to find. —

This was written when I was at my lowest point of my life. During those times, I felt so useless. I felt like a zombie wandering this earth aimlessly. I was doing things just to comply to what my parents want until I completely lost myself. Hehe. Too much drama, I know.

Looking back, I am happy I made it through this phase of my life. I really thought that was it. That was the end of me. But I was wrong. One thing I realized just now, is that, it is only me who will decide if I am finished or not. It is totally up to me to continue fighting or let the difficult circumstance/s define me. It is I who should define the circumstance/s and not the other way around. If I am given a chance to go back and change things to make it better and more beautiful, I think I would pass. Those times are my refining moment. If not for those overwhelming emotions and events that I have to go through, I wouldn’t be like this now, probably I wouldn’t even be where I am now. To be honest, I am thankful I went through that moment; it made me a better, stronger, wiser and enduring version of myself.

Indeed, everything happens for a reason. You may not understand it now, but time will come everything will materialize and you will understand why a certain thing happened. Just don’t give up. Fight for yourself, for what you believe in. 🙂 It is never wrong to get up and try again. If you fall, you may take a rest, try to take and process everything and when you’re ready, smile and kick some ass! You’ll get there! Believe me, you will. 🙂 You just have to believe in yourself, keep on pressing forward and choose to see the good in every situation and focus on that. It will take time, so be patient; after all, patience is a virtue and every good things come to those who wait but not to those who just wait and do nothing. You know what I mean 🙂

Will. Determination. Positivity. Love. Passion.


Finish strong, beautiful people!

One Friday Night of November

Is it a great spiritual teacher? Or indeed a teacher at all? My answer is an emphatic “Yes”, even though there will always be students who learn nothing from their teachers or misuse what they do learn.

For me it is the ultimate mind-expanding teacher. It’s a tough one – one not to be taken lightly or often. A typical wool-gathering lasts 10 to 12 hours and there’s no respite or way out once you’ve started. There were some repercussions though.

So why do it? Because the fear is worth – a million times over it’s worth – the experience.

That experience, as many writers have explained, depends dramatically on the set and setting – on what you expect of the pipe dream, where you are, whom you are with, and how safe you feel. Of course the learning experience can be plain fun according to the testimonies I have read online but for myself I used to face terrible scenes of torture, rape and other kinds of human cruelty. I do not know why, but I found myself imagining them again and again while I was listening to some good music the next morning while quietly sitting by the window watching the clouds go by. Perhaps like most people, I began by fighting them and trying to push them away, but it will not let you push anything away. You have to face it. And this is, I think, what makes it the teacher. There is no hiding with it. You have to face whatever comes up or be overwhelmed by it.

This is just one small example, and everyone’s stories are different, but again and again people report that through it they learned to know, and accept, themselves. This may be why it has such powerful therapeutic effects and can be so helpful for people facing terminal illness.

One article mentioned “spirituality” and whether anyone becomes “kinder and wiser”. Surely knowing oneself underlies all these – knowing and accepting your own mind, taking responsibility for what you have done and what you might do. Even simple kindness grows with self-knowledge. When we see ourselves clearly we can see others more clearly, and then it is much easier to be kind.

I was lucky a friend introduced me to this teacher. 🙂 Not only did I develop this new appreciation for a certain genre of music, it also opened my mind more. Weird because I thought it was just all fun and games, in fact, I didn’t tell this part to him because I was afraid he’ll laugh at me. LOL. It was an incredible and beautiful experience to say the very least for it affects your body, mind and emotion all at once.

Would I be down to meet this teacher again? Heck yeah!!

20 Random Facts about Me

  1. I feel soooooo incomplete without my wrist watch, hair tie and earrings AKA my daily accessories.  I just can’t go out with them.
  2. I love going to coffee shops! The aroma of the roasting coffee beans relaxes me.
  3. My biggest pet peeve is when I can hear someone chewing their food.
  4. I have a very eclectic taste in music. One day I like rock music then the next I am listening to jazz all day.
  5. I don’t have a favorite band, artist, and color; which most people find hard to believe.
  6. I’ve always wanted to have a tattoo.
  7. Staying up late like 3 am late, is a piece of cake for me. Night owl here!
  8. I can swim but I can’t make myself float, so I will still drown and die!! Hahaha
  9. I love seeing ballet recitals! I feel like I should be a ballerina. lol
  10. I splurge at getting my nails done. Ultimate pamper time!
  11. I don’t like eating leafy foods (i.e. salads) it makes me feel like I’m a goat. 😀
  12. I hate clothes and shoe shopping, it stresses me out.
  13. Coffee? Always!!
  14. My dream job would be a travel blogger. It’s like getting paid to do the things I love the most.
  15. I love mayonnaise!
  16. Give me good books and I can stay in my room for days!
  17. I love going out as much as I love staying in.
  18. Rainy days make me so emotional. 😀
  19. I suck at any sports!
  20. I live for gummy worms and sour tapes!

20 Things in my 20 Years

A month and a couple of days ago I turned 20, finally leaving my teenage years. I didn’t feel like it was a transition or a big leap like what most of my friends felt because basically I am still a youth.😉Even though I didn’t feel the transition that according to others I was supposed to feel, I made a list of the things I learned and narrowed it down to 20 because I am 20 years old now! So, here it goes..

1. Follow your ♥ 

– Do what makes you happy! Life is short to reserve myself from pursuing what I like. As long as I am not hurting anybody, I will go for it!

2. Do not be afraid/ashamed to explore new things.

– Through exploration, I have discovered things I never thought I can do. It allowed me to know myself better.

3. Do not be a know-it-all.

– Before, I was afraid to ask questions because I was afraid that others might see me as bird-brained so most of the times I will just pretend to know what everybody was talking about. It was not a good habit and I am thankful I was able   to get rid of it early. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. There will always be room     for learning. Nobody knows everything.

4. It is okay to ask for help.

– When I was young, I was trained to do everything by myself, especially academic things. So I kinda carried it out when I was growing older and find it hard to admit that I need help because for me, it was a sign of weakness.

5. I can’t please everybody.

– I can be the best person in the world and there will still be someone that doesn’t like me. And that’s okay because it is not my job to get them to like me.

6. Be kind.

– I always try to be kind even when I’m PMS-ing, didn’t have my daily dose of coffee or sleep. Why? Because over the years, I have learned that everyone has their own predicaments going on in their heads and being kind to them is the least I can do to help.

7. Always have a positive outlook.

– Negativity will take me nowhere and will just give me anxiety and doubts about myself and capabilities. Trust me on this, because I have been there.

8. Choose to see the good in other people.

– Everybody has their good and bad side, strengths and weaknesses, I always choose to see what’s good in them and I try my best to help them flourish their strengths.

9. It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of me.

– If you’ll ask me why I look so happy, this is my secret.🙂 I don’t really care how other people (esp if they are not close to me) see me. Through the years, I learned to be confident in myself and with the things I can do. Of all the people here on earth, it is I who knows myself the best.🙂

10. I can be/do anything I want, I just have to work really hard for it.

– Nothing worth having comes easy! I have to fight for my degree, endure all the sleepless nights because in the end, the reward is much sweeter.

11. Take a break, disconnect to everyone and reconnect to yourself.

– In the hustle and bustle of life, I usually get myself disconnected from myself. It sounds absurd but it is possible. Sometimes I just do things just to comply and because I am expected to do it. When things are becoming too much to carry, I disconnect with everyone and everything to reconnect with myself, I do things I find pleasurable and things I am really passionate about. And when I’m ready to face the world again, I’ll smile, strut and show them how awesome I am. he he he

12. Me time is a time well spent.

– When I was younger, I used to pity those people who don’t have someone with them when going to the mall, coffee shop, etc. But now that I am older I find myself going out alone and I surprisingly enjoy it that I sometimes prefer to go out alone than with friends. When I’m alone, I get to reflect more on life and I am more productive.😀

13. I can choose my friends.

– They say friends are the family we get to choose and that’s right. Over the years I have learned and saw the importance of choosing the right set of friends. Compared to others, I have very few friends but all of them are friends whom I can confide and run to whenever life takes a toll on me. Quality over quantity!!

14. Stop complaining!

– It won’t get me anywhere and most definitely won’t fix a thing. If I don’t like something, I’ll go and change it.

15. Failure does not end everything.

– I failed a lot on life. I thought it was the end of me but I was wrong. Thankfully! I stumbled and then I got up wiser and stronger. It is okay to fail, as long as you will learn from it.

16. Life takes time to figure out.

– When I was in my early teen age years AKA my high school years, I have created a concrete plan for my life. It goes something like this: At 19, I already have my diploma, at 20, I am working, at 25, I have to have my serious and steady relationship, at 28 I should be married blah blah blah. Now that I am 20, I am still in college, obviously no diploma yet and still jobless. But that’s okay because…

17. …things are not always like how I planned and wanted it to be.

– I learned that I should never box myself within the plans I made when I was 14 or 15 years old. Things and circumstances change. Change is the only thing that is permanent in this life, if you’re not changing, you’re not growing. I should never punish myself for a plan that was not made into reality. Plans are just plans, they are only guidelines into achieving what we want in life. It can be changed and can totally be left undone.

18. It is okay to deviate from my parents’ plan for MY life.

– It is not them who will run MY life. It is my life and it is only fitting that I get to choose the things I like to pursue esp career wise. Of course, I will still take their opinions into consideration but it will always be my decision.

19. Be open with my family esp my parents.

– I don’t have the best and most amazing relationship with my parents and to be honest I sometimes envy my friends who can joke around with their parents. But life taught me that no matter how uptight or strict my parents are, whatever my problems are, I can and should tell it to them because they are my parents. Of all the people I know, they are the ones who can and will help me the most. No matter how big of a failure I am, I know that they still love me the same. All of the sermon and heart-piercing words were just to make me realize what I have done.


P.S. Life is a never ending series of choices. Whatever and wherever you are now is the result of your choices in the past.🙂 Be wise!

A letter of love, hope and confusion

“…because until that happened, I will still hold on and love you like I always did… “

Coffee shop is a place with diverse people, in here, you can see business men and women answering never ending emails, students who are cramming a paper (like me) or studying for an upcoming exam, friends who catch up or commiserate with each other. And today, as I am about to finish a paper that is due 12 mn today, I can’t help but eavesdrop (they are talking really loud, ok? haha) to the 2 girls next to my table. They look like they are best friends and the other girl is crying miserably, loud enough to draw attention to them but they don’t give a fuck. I heard her telling to her best friend that she wants to write a letter to her boyfriend whom she really loved and loves so much. This boyfriend of her just disappeared with no warning, no nothing, he just disappeared like a bubble. I heard almost everything which automatically stirred my mind and got it working. So instead of finishing my paper, I wrote a letter for the boyfriend of this miserable lady. Hehe.

I mustered all my courage to write this letter to you. I poured my heart and soul into this letter with the hope of getting a response from you. It’s been 5 months since the last time I saw and talked to you. The longest 5 months of my life. I miss you. Everything about you. Your laughs, your deep and modulated voice, your warm hands and hugs that never failed to make me feel warm and cozy whenever I’m cold which pretty much happens all the time. I miss our late night talks where we used to share our dreams, fear and the littlest thing we can possibly think of. I miss you. I long for you. My heart and body long for you. Why did you leave me? Have I done something wrong? Is there something I haven’t done? Did I hurt or offend you? You left me cluelessly  hanging to all your promises, all our plans. It has been 5 months and yet, here I am, waiting and hoping that one day you’ll back to me. My friends tell me I’m crazy, that I am wishfully thinking, that I should stop, move on and start dating again but what if you come back? What if you still want to be with me and you just needed some time to find yourself? I don’t want to hurt you! So I will patiently wait for you.I still believe that you will come back to me and we will be exactly how we were 5 months ago. I closed all my doors and will only open them for you. Not a day passes by without me missing you terribly. For now I will just have to satisfy myself watching our videos and looking at our photos until the day you come back to me and hug me and make me feel warm, wanted and loved. Please come back to me. I can;t imagine life without you.  We were the perfect couple! We understand each other, we complement each other. You said life will never be the same without me. So why did you leave me? You left with no explanation. You just left. If somehow, you fall out of love to me, please just come back for one last time, let me hug you so tight while you tell me why you left because until that happened, I will still hold on and love you like I always did… 

Now back to finishing my paper! Hehe.



I hope that girl gets the explanation closure she needs.