Unspoken Thoughts

I was cleaning my room when I found a random notebook laying under my bed. Being the curious cat that I am, I opened it and it was a blast from the past. Thought I would share here the entry I wrote more than a year ago…

I once asked myself what I am doing with my life. This is not who I really am, I know I can do better. I know that I am better than this. Better than all the adversities I had came across in my life. Every day is a constant question of where am I going and what am I gonna do. I am not like this before. I am enthusiastic, full of life and driven but I suddenly woke up not feeling like that anymore. I woke up realizing that I lost my drive, I lost my enthusiasm, I lost my passion. In other words, I am lost. I am lost in this terrifying world that feeds with the weak and helpless; a world that is definitely too big if you’ll walk alone and not knowing where to go with no one to run to. For me, that’s the scariest thing a man would have to endure. One thing lead to another, being alone made me lose my sense of direction, my driving force. Losing the driving force to go on scared me. That scary feeling made me stagnant. Anxiety came in when stagnation hit me. I am often awake at the time everyone was soundly sleeping. I was there on my bed silently crying, careful not to make a noise while everybody is peacefully asleep. And then I realized that it’s about time to stop being the wimpy kid so I decided to man up and find myself. I’ve tried to run around hoping I would find someone or something to ignite the fire in me that slowly died but I found myself running a frivolous run. I suddenly forgot how to dream. In the quest of redeeming my old self back, I delved into the vastness of this hideous world even more. I became this abominable and abhorrent person I never thought I would be. I indulged myself in things I know would not satisfy me. In things I know would cause further damage in my already vitiated self. But I continued running, galloping to somewhere I don’t know with the hopes of getting myself back and it occurred to me, I lost it. I lost myself. I lose this quest; I was unable to redeem myself. I failed to keep and hold the fragment of my old self I’m trying to find. —

This was written when I was at my lowest point of my life. During those times, I felt so useless. I felt like a zombie wandering this earth aimlessly. I was doing things just to comply to what my parents want until I completely lost myself. Hehe. Too much drama, I know.

Looking back, I am happy I made it through this phase of my life. I really thought that was it. That was the end of me. But I was wrong. One thing I realized just now, is that, it is only me who will decide if I am finished or not. It is totally up to me to continue fighting or let the difficult circumstance/s define me. It is I who should define the circumstance/s and not the other way around. If I am given a chance to go back and change things to make it better and more beautiful, I think I would pass. Those times are my refining moment. If not for those overwhelming emotions and events that I have to go through, I wouldn’t be like this now, probably I wouldn’t even be where I am now. To be honest, I am thankful I went through that moment; it made me a better, stronger, wiser and enduring version of myself.

Indeed, everything happens for a reason. You may not understand it now, but time will come everything will materialize and you will understand why a certain thing happened. Just don’t give up. Fight for yourself, for what you believe in. 🙂 It is never wrong to get up and try again. If you fall, you may take a rest, try to take and process everything and when you’re ready, smile and kick some ass! You’ll get there! Believe me, you will. 🙂 You just have to believe in yourself, keep on pressing forward and choose to see the good in every situation and focus on that. It will take time, so be patient; after all, patience is a virtue and every good things come to those who wait but not to those who just wait and do nothing. You know what I mean 🙂

Will. Determination. Positivity. Love. Passion.

 

Finish strong, beautiful people!

20 Random Facts about Me

  1. I feel soooooo incomplete without my wrist watch, hair tie and earrings AKA my daily accessories.  I just can’t go out with them.
  2. I love going to coffee shops! The aroma of the roasting coffee beans relaxes me.
  3. My biggest pet peeve is when I can hear someone chewing their food.
  4. I have a very eclectic taste in music. One day I like rock music then the next I am listening to jazz all day.
  5. I don’t have a favorite band, artist, and color; which most people find hard to believe.
  6. I’ve always wanted to have a tattoo.
  7. Staying up late like 3 am late, is a piece of cake for me. Night owl here!
  8. I can swim but I can’t make myself float, so I will still drown and die!! Hahaha
  9. I love seeing ballet recitals! I feel like I should be a ballerina. lol
  10. I splurge at getting my nails done. Ultimate pamper time!
  11. I don’t like eating leafy foods (i.e. salads) it makes me feel like I’m a goat. 😀
  12. I hate clothes and shoe shopping, it stresses me out.
  13. Coffee? Always!!
  14. My dream job would be a travel blogger. It’s like getting paid to do the things I love the most.
  15. I love mayonnaise!
  16. Give me good books and I can stay in my room for days!
  17. I love going out as much as I love staying in.
  18. Rainy days make me so emotional. 😀
  19. I suck at any sports!
  20. I live for gummy worms and sour tapes!

20 Things in my 20 Years

A month and a couple of days ago I turned 20, finally leaving my teenage years. I didn’t feel like it was a transition or a big leap like what most of my friends felt because basically I am still a youth.😉Even though I didn’t feel the transition that according to others I was supposed to feel, I made a list of the things I learned and narrowed it down to 20 because I am 20 years old now! So, here it goes..

1. Follow your ♥ 

– Do what makes you happy! Life is short to reserve myself from pursuing what I like. As long as I am not hurting anybody, I will go for it!

2. Do not be afraid/ashamed to explore new things.

– Through exploration, I have discovered things I never thought I can do. It allowed me to know myself better.

3. Do not be a know-it-all.

– Before, I was afraid to ask questions because I was afraid that others might see me as bird-brained so most of the times I will just pretend to know what everybody was talking about. It was not a good habit and I am thankful I was able   to get rid of it early. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. There will always be room     for learning. Nobody knows everything.

4. It is okay to ask for help.

– When I was young, I was trained to do everything by myself, especially academic things. So I kinda carried it out when I was growing older and find it hard to admit that I need help because for me, it was a sign of weakness.

5. I can’t please everybody.

– I can be the best person in the world and there will still be someone that doesn’t like me. And that’s okay because it is not my job to get them to like me.

6. Be kind.

– I always try to be kind even when I’m PMS-ing, didn’t have my daily dose of coffee or sleep. Why? Because over the years, I have learned that everyone has their own predicaments going on in their heads and being kind to them is the least I can do to help.

7. Always have a positive outlook.

– Negativity will take me nowhere and will just give me anxiety and doubts about myself and capabilities. Trust me on this, because I have been there.

8. Choose to see the good in other people.

– Everybody has their good and bad side, strengths and weaknesses, I always choose to see what’s good in them and I try my best to help them flourish their strengths.

9. It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of me.

– If you’ll ask me why I look so happy, this is my secret.🙂 I don’t really care how other people (esp if they are not close to me) see me. Through the years, I learned to be confident in myself and with the things I can do. Of all the people here on earth, it is I who knows myself the best.🙂

10. I can be/do anything I want, I just have to work really hard for it.

– Nothing worth having comes easy! I have to fight for my degree, endure all the sleepless nights because in the end, the reward is much sweeter.

11. Take a break, disconnect to everyone and reconnect to yourself.

– In the hustle and bustle of life, I usually get myself disconnected from myself. It sounds absurd but it is possible. Sometimes I just do things just to comply and because I am expected to do it. When things are becoming too much to carry, I disconnect with everyone and everything to reconnect with myself, I do things I find pleasurable and things I am really passionate about. And when I’m ready to face the world again, I’ll smile, strut and show them how awesome I am. he he he

12. Me time is a time well spent.

– When I was younger, I used to pity those people who don’t have someone with them when going to the mall, coffee shop, etc. But now that I am older I find myself going out alone and I surprisingly enjoy it that I sometimes prefer to go out alone than with friends. When I’m alone, I get to reflect more on life and I am more productive.😀

13. I can choose my friends.

– They say friends are the family we get to choose and that’s right. Over the years I have learned and saw the importance of choosing the right set of friends. Compared to others, I have very few friends but all of them are friends whom I can confide and run to whenever life takes a toll on me. Quality over quantity!!

14. Stop complaining!

– It won’t get me anywhere and most definitely won’t fix a thing. If I don’t like something, I’ll go and change it.

15. Failure does not end everything.

– I failed a lot on life. I thought it was the end of me but I was wrong. Thankfully! I stumbled and then I got up wiser and stronger. It is okay to fail, as long as you will learn from it.

16. Life takes time to figure out.

– When I was in my early teen age years AKA my high school years, I have created a concrete plan for my life. It goes something like this: At 19, I already have my diploma, at 20, I am working, at 25, I have to have my serious and steady relationship, at 28 I should be married blah blah blah. Now that I am 20, I am still in college, obviously no diploma yet and still jobless. But that’s okay because…

17. …things are not always like how I planned and wanted it to be.

– I learned that I should never box myself within the plans I made when I was 14 or 15 years old. Things and circumstances change. Change is the only thing that is permanent in this life, if you’re not changing, you’re not growing. I should never punish myself for a plan that was not made into reality. Plans are just plans, they are only guidelines into achieving what we want in life. It can be changed and can totally be left undone.

18. It is okay to deviate from my parents’ plan for MY life.

– It is not them who will run MY life. It is my life and it is only fitting that I get to choose the things I like to pursue esp career wise. Of course, I will still take their opinions into consideration but it will always be my decision.

19. Be open with my family esp my parents.

– I don’t have the best and most amazing relationship with my parents and to be honest I sometimes envy my friends who can joke around with their parents. But life taught me that no matter how uptight or strict my parents are, whatever my problems are, I can and should tell it to them because they are my parents. Of all the people I know, they are the ones who can and will help me the most. No matter how big of a failure I am, I know that they still love me the same. All of the sermon and heart-piercing words were just to make me realize what I have done.

20. LOVE MYSELF.

P.S. Life is a never ending series of choices. Whatever and wherever you are now is the result of your choices in the past.🙂 Be wise!

No, thank you. :)

A “friend” hit me up on facebook earlier, he was asking me if we can catch up over coffee and movie, just like what we used to do before. He was asking a lot of questions like if I have a boyfriend now, or a suitor. He was pretty straight forward with all of his questions. This “friend” and I haven’t had any communication for years. So I was kinda intrigued why contacting me all of a sudden. Being the curious cat that I am, I decided to “visit” his profile. There were a lot of wall posts made by his friends telling him that he should move on and *his gf’s name* is not someone to cry over. Those wall posts answered my question. His girlfriend and him broke up. That is why he asked me out. lol. He is coming back to me- sweet, right? but not after a recent break up. Tsk.

Him “coming back” to me made me realize one thing: I DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER THE BEST. I know my worth. 🙂 Yes, I did invest feelings to that guy, I thought he was the one *pukes* but my little fairy tale ended even before I was ready. And now that my prince charming is making a come back, should I accept him? Should I welcome him with open arms?  Hmmm..

This entry is for all the girls out there! 🙂 We don’t need a man to complete us. Especially if that man is an asshole. Our identity isn’t with the man we are with. Our identity is what we make it. It is okay to turn down guys whom we think isn’t the best for us. You won’t die if you don’t have a boyfriend that will probably give you a quarter of kilig and a whole lot of emotional stress. Don’t go gaga in finding your “man” being single doesn’t make you less of a woman or a lady. 🙂 Instead, focus on yourself. Be the best version of yourself. Life is a long journey. Spend it by knowing yourself, discovering more about yourself, don’t be discouraged if you don’t have someone yet you can romantically spend your life with, you have amazing friends! And when everything is in its perfect place, before you know it, the right man is right next to you.

Do not settle for less than what you deserve, girl! Do not settle for someone who is only after your body. Do not settle for someone who will leave when the fun times ended. Settle for someone who will be celebrating with you when you’re at your highest and will commiserate and assure you that everything’s going to be fine when nothing’s going well. Be with someone who will flourish you not someone who will just feed off of you and leave you when you’re all consumed.

KNOW WHAT YOUR WORTH IS, GIRL! YOU ARE NOT A SECOND OPTION. NOT A BED WARMER. YOU ARE SOMEONE TO BE LOVED AND CHERISHED. AND IT IS TOTALLY OKAY TO BE SINGLE! 😉 AND MAKE SURE THAT BEFORE YOU LOVE ANYONE ELSE, YOU LOVE AND ACCEPT YOURSELF. 🙂

 

Oh October

As I sit down here at the very corner of my go-to coffee shop I let my mind wander and look back. I realized that my mind and my heart have been in an emotional whirlwind for the last month. Have you ever felt being unable to translate what you’re feeling and what your thoughts are into words? That is exactly what I’m feeling right now. As I am writing this, my heart is beating uncontrollably for an unknown reason. Maybe because of the coffee? Naaah. That’s just how fucked up I am as of the moment. October has been a roller coaster ride for me. A lot of things happened – things I have never expected to experience. I must say, October caught me off-guard.

I did things I might regret in the longer run. I cut loose my relationship (not romantically) with someone whom I think genuinely cares for me and wants to know me for who I really am and is willing to scratch the surface of what I’m showing just to really know me personally. And for what? For a petty reason. 😦 And being the prideful bitch that I am, I find it really hard to admit my mistake. *sigh* And because of that, I did something to somehow fill the void I am feeling and to take my mind off of the intrapersonal and interpersonal issuessssss I am having.

Now that my schooling is going into the direction that I want it to be, my emotions are fucked up. When will I ever get my shit together? I can’t wait for these things to be over and gather my shit together.  I SHOULD AND WILL MAKE ALL THESE FUCKERY STOP AND LAUGH AT MY 20 YEAR OLD SELF.

I want to write more but my mind is failing me to translate the feels into words…

 

A long overdue blog

I finally decided to make a blog! Woop woop!

My mind has been all over these past few days and I don’t want to bombard my facebook friends with a ton of notes showing how ADHD my mind is. I have been inundated with thoughts not totally welcomed in my mind because it can only cater for a certain number of things that I should be worrying about, if it exceed than that, you’ll see me in a mental health care, I guess. Hahaha! It’s either I find someone who can commiserate with how I am feeling which is far from how I roll or keep it to myself and end up in a mental institution. HAHAHAH! So, I decided to make this blog; a place where I can fully express myself and consider it my breathing space. 🙂

Good night, beautiful people! (Assuming that I already have readers.) LOL.