My Hopes and Prayers this 2017

This is the year that I will shine! 🙂 

2016 was extremely rough for me but it ended pretty well. I am taking the course that I really feel like where I belong, I have amazing friends and started to become more open to my family; my parents to be specific. However, despite being blessed with an attitude-forming year, I still have high hopes for this year-2017. The main thing that I am focusing this year is me. I want to be the better if not the best version of myself yet.

This year will be the year that I find my voice, that I discover who I am. This is the year that I will uncover me, and unlock my full potential. In 2017, I have the hope of finding my style, what I like, and don’t like. I choose to be happy this year, I always do. I will not let depression and anxiety get the best of me, I will learn healthy coping techniques and continue pushing forward. I choose to be kind, because others lack the kindness this world needs. I will grow as a young woman, and learn how to love myself more everyday. I want to grow with confidence. I am going to surround myself with people who love me, accept me, support and encourage me. I am cutting out toxic friendships, and forgiving people who have hurt me in the past. This year I will rule, this year I will shine, this year I will be stronger than ever before, of course, that’s with the help and guidance of the one who never left me no matter what I have done. He who loved and continues to love me even when I seem to forgot about Him. He who will never forsake me-God. ♥

I am excited to see what God has in store for me this 2017. I am prepared for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am not asking for the best year of my life, but I am asking for a better year than 2016. I am ready to embrace this year with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart. I will learn how to live my life the way I want, and how to finally be proud of myself. I want see change and I am striving for this change I wish to see. I know I am asking a lot of 2017, but this year will be memorable. It will be filled with great opportunities and more blessings. I am ready for you, 2017! I know it will not be an easy ride but I am all set to kick some ass! 🙂

 

PS: This is a long overdue post. I’ve been slacking on this blog. haha! Peace! :*

 

Positive outlook is the key, beautiful people! 🙂

Unspoken Thoughts

I was cleaning my room when I found a random notebook laying under my bed. Being the curious cat that I am, I opened it and it was a blast from the past. Thought I would share here the entry I wrote more than a year ago…

I once asked myself what I am doing with my life. This is not who I really am, I know I can do better. I know that I am better than this. Better than all the adversities I had came across in my life. Every day is a constant question of where am I going and what am I gonna do. I am not like this before. I am enthusiastic, full of life and driven but I suddenly woke up not feeling like that anymore. I woke up realizing that I lost my drive, I lost my enthusiasm, I lost my passion. In other words, I am lost. I am lost in this terrifying world that feeds with the weak and helpless; a world that is definitely too big if you’ll walk alone and not knowing where to go with no one to run to. For me, that’s the scariest thing a man would have to endure. One thing lead to another, being alone made me lose my sense of direction, my driving force. Losing the driving force to go on scared me. That scary feeling made me stagnant. Anxiety came in when stagnation hit me. I am often awake at the time everyone was soundly sleeping. I was there on my bed silently crying, careful not to make a noise while everybody is peacefully asleep. And then I realized that it’s about time to stop being the wimpy kid so I decided to man up and find myself. I’ve tried to run around hoping I would find someone or something to ignite the fire in me that slowly died but I found myself running a frivolous run. I suddenly forgot how to dream. In the quest of redeeming my old self back, I delved into the vastness of this hideous world even more. I became this abominable and abhorrent person I never thought I would be. I indulged myself in things I know would not satisfy me. In things I know would cause further damage in my already vitiated self. But I continued running, galloping to somewhere I don’t know with the hopes of getting myself back and it occurred to me, I lost it. I lost myself. I lose this quest; I was unable to redeem myself. I failed to keep and hold the fragment of my old self I’m trying to find. —

This was written when I was at my lowest point of my life. During those times, I felt so useless. I felt like a zombie wandering this earth aimlessly. I was doing things just to comply to what my parents want until I completely lost myself. Hehe. Too much drama, I know.

Looking back, I am happy I made it through this phase of my life. I really thought that was it. That was the end of me. But I was wrong. One thing I realized just now, is that, it is only me who will decide if I am finished or not. It is totally up to me to continue fighting or let the difficult circumstance/s define me. It is I who should define the circumstance/s and not the other way around. If I am given a chance to go back and change things to make it better and more beautiful, I think I would pass. Those times are my refining moment. If not for those overwhelming emotions and events that I have to go through, I wouldn’t be like this now, probably I wouldn’t even be where I am now. To be honest, I am thankful I went through that moment; it made me a better, stronger, wiser and enduring version of myself.

Indeed, everything happens for a reason. You may not understand it now, but time will come everything will materialize and you will understand why a certain thing happened. Just don’t give up. Fight for yourself, for what you believe in. 🙂 It is never wrong to get up and try again. If you fall, you may take a rest, try to take and process everything and when you’re ready, smile and kick some ass! You’ll get there! Believe me, you will. 🙂 You just have to believe in yourself, keep on pressing forward and choose to see the good in every situation and focus on that. It will take time, so be patient; after all, patience is a virtue and every good things come to those who wait but not to those who just wait and do nothing. You know what I mean 🙂

Will. Determination. Positivity. Love. Passion.

 

Finish strong, beautiful people!

One Friday Night of November

Is it a great spiritual teacher? Or indeed a teacher at all? My answer is an emphatic “Yes”, even though there will always be students who learn nothing from their teachers or misuse what they do learn.

For me it is the ultimate mind-expanding teacher. It’s a tough one – one not to be taken lightly or often. A typical wool-gathering lasts 10 to 12 hours and there’s no respite or way out once you’ve started. There were some repercussions though.

So why do it? Because the fear is worth – a million times over it’s worth – the experience.

That experience, as many writers have explained, depends dramatically on the set and setting – on what you expect of the pipe dream, where you are, whom you are with, and how safe you feel. Of course the learning experience can be plain fun according to the testimonies I have read online but for myself I used to face terrible scenes of torture, rape and other kinds of human cruelty. I do not know why, but I found myself imagining them again and again while I was listening to some good music the next morning while quietly sitting by the window watching the clouds go by. Perhaps like most people, I began by fighting them and trying to push them away, but it will not let you push anything away. You have to face it. And this is, I think, what makes it the teacher. There is no hiding with it. You have to face whatever comes up or be overwhelmed by it.

This is just one small example, and everyone’s stories are different, but again and again people report that through it they learned to know, and accept, themselves. This may be why it has such powerful therapeutic effects and can be so helpful for people facing terminal illness.

One article mentioned “spirituality” and whether anyone becomes “kinder and wiser”. Surely knowing oneself underlies all these – knowing and accepting your own mind, taking responsibility for what you have done and what you might do. Even simple kindness grows with self-knowledge. When we see ourselves clearly we can see others more clearly, and then it is much easier to be kind.

I was lucky a friend introduced me to this teacher. 🙂 Not only did I develop this new appreciation for a certain genre of music, it also opened my mind more. Weird because I thought it was just all fun and games, in fact, I didn’t tell this part to him because I was afraid he’ll laugh at me. LOL. It was an incredible and beautiful experience to say the very least for it affects your body, mind and emotion all at once.

Would I be down to meet this teacher again? Heck yeah!!

Life in a Blur

Life to me is kind of blurry right now. I am almost 20 but still in college when all of my batch mates are now working or reviewing for their license examination for teachers (LET) while others review for National Medical Admission Test (NMAT). I sometimes feel down and discouraged whenever I am thinking what’s in store for me because clearly, I don’t even know. Back in high school I was always this effortless honor student. I don’t study that much but I am consistently included in the honor roll. Some even asked me how I was doing that. Now, those same people asking me those kind of questions are employed or are already on their final year in college. Oh the ironies of life. College happened and everything went spiraling down. I lost my will and passion to study because I was forced to take the course I never thought of taking and was enrolled to a school that was not even my choice. In other words, I didn’t make any decisions   for myself during those times. I said to myself that I will just give this a shot and maybe, just maybe, my parents were right that I will like it there. But they were wrong. I never belonged into that university. It was just too much for me. A big new surrounding, I don’t even know a single person when all of my block mates almost know each other. Good thing I made few good friends whom helped me keep my sanity in that hellish place.

I would say that those parts of my life was where I was in my lowest. I felt alone especially when my parents were treating me so effin cold!! Not to mention that my sister who happens to be one of my confidant was working overseas and I don’t want to add to the list of things she needed to mind. So I kept everything to myself. Didn’t even tell my friends about it because I was thinking they were also having their own predicaments. I was alone. One afternoon, I was alone in my room and I found myself browsing about the most effective way to kill myself, when I realized what I was doing I got scared of myself. I know I don’t want to die yet but the things I was carrying were just too much. They were eating devouring me.

If I were to describe that chapter of my life, I would say it was a blurry photo, almost unable to make sense of what’s in the photograph. I never expected that something good will happen during those times. They say when you’re at the bottom there’s no other way but up. And it’s true! Up until now, I still couldn’t believe that during my darkest moment is when I also discovered more of myself. I found out that I can paint if I put my heart and soul into to it. Most importantly, I realized what my calling is. What’s my purpose. I rediscovered my passion. Now, I am more fueled and determined to finish this race because I am actually running for something that I love and want and not just what my parents told me.

To close this post, I would just like to say that it is okay if you haven’t figured your life yet. It’s okay, really! Figuring life takes time, others do it shorter, others like me do it longer. But it doesn’t mean that you’re a loser if it took you longer to figure your life out. Always remember that precious gems were once rough and imperfectly shaped, those gems needed to be refined and have undergone great pressure and immeasurable heat for them to be shiny, beautiful and perfectly shaped. Same goes with our life. We are those freshly mined gems that have yet to undergo the process of perfection. Molding us may require a lot of endurance for pain, we may also go out of our comfort zone to grow and learn more, it may be uncomfortable but it is worth it. After all those grueling moments, I am sure we will all come out refined and beautiful if we continue to go on and fight for what we believe in.  Do not be afraid to commit mistakes. It’s not the end of the world if you do. Go out and commit mistakes and learn from them! After all, it is not about who finished first but it is about the quality of your journey and the person you have become because of that journey and all the trials that came with it.

“Even when in blur, beautiful things can still happen. You just have to be strong and patient.”

Finish strong, beautiful people! Hihihi! Goodnight.