Five years into the Future

Here I am sitting on a corner of my favorite coffee shop, I should be studying for an upcoming exam but my mind, being the ultimate wanderer that it is, takes me 5 years into my future…

Five years… A lot of things can and will happen within that span of time. If someone is to ask me what and how do I see myself in 5 years time, I would say, doing what I love and pursuing my passion and art. As a 20 year old lady, considered to be a grown up, I have learned that plans are just plans and I can totally deviate from it if I feel like it’s only right to do so, with sound and unbiased judgment of course. As I have mentioned in my previous entry here, when I was younger, I like doing concrete plans for my life. But as I grew older and experienced life more, I discovered that is not how it should always be. Especially for someone as erratic as me. To be honest, I don’t even know what I would be in the future. A writer, a production manager, a travel blogger, I can be all that and more, right? So why should I box myself with just one profession? What I’m sure of is that, I will pursue all of my dreams and do things that will improve me as an individual.

One thing I have learned is to not compare myself to other people. I have a complete different set of skills and my mind is wired differently. 🙂 So most of the time, I am just minding my own business and let myself flourish. It is normal that some people won’t agree with what I want to do with my life AKA my parents. I have come a loooooong and arduous way just to pursue this dream of mine and be on track that I made. It’s hard having parents with so much expectation and wants me to be a doctor or anything that has a licensure exam. For them passing the licensure exam equates to being called a professional which means more money. For them, making money is the biggest factor for choosing a profession/career. But for me, money is just secondary, as long as I will be earning enough to have a secured and comfortable life, I am happy with it. I don’t need much. What I need is a career that gives me happiness. Something that will excite me to wake up early in the morning, will make me extra patient while enduring the traffic. I want something that will improve my way of thinking, my outlook on life and myself as a person, not just something that will give me money every 15th and 30th of the month. I want to experience life more and see what the world has to offer and not just slump on my desk in front of my computer working like a robot.

So yeah, 5 years from now, I am already doing things that I love. No specifics. Just the things that I love and will help me pay the bills. 😉

Back to studying! 😛

Advertisements

Unspoken Thoughts

I was cleaning my room when I found a random notebook laying under my bed. Being the curious cat that I am, I opened it and it was a blast from the past. Thought I would share here the entry I wrote more than a year ago…

I once asked myself what I am doing with my life. This is not who I really am, I know I can do better. I know that I am better than this. Better than all the adversities I had came across in my life. Every day is a constant question of where am I going and what am I gonna do. I am not like this before. I am enthusiastic, full of life and driven but I suddenly woke up not feeling like that anymore. I woke up realizing that I lost my drive, I lost my enthusiasm, I lost my passion. In other words, I am lost. I am lost in this terrifying world that feeds with the weak and helpless; a world that is definitely too big if you’ll walk alone and not knowing where to go with no one to run to. For me, that’s the scariest thing a man would have to endure. One thing lead to another, being alone made me lose my sense of direction, my driving force. Losing the driving force to go on scared me. That scary feeling made me stagnant. Anxiety came in when stagnation hit me. I am often awake at the time everyone was soundly sleeping. I was there on my bed silently crying, careful not to make a noise while everybody is peacefully asleep. And then I realized that it’s about time to stop being the wimpy kid so I decided to man up and find myself. I’ve tried to run around hoping I would find someone or something to ignite the fire in me that slowly died but I found myself running a frivolous run. I suddenly forgot how to dream. In the quest of redeeming my old self back, I delved into the vastness of this hideous world even more. I became this abominable and abhorrent person I never thought I would be. I indulged myself in things I know would not satisfy me. In things I know would cause further damage in my already vitiated self. But I continued running, galloping to somewhere I don’t know with the hopes of getting myself back and it occurred to me, I lost it. I lost myself. I lose this quest; I was unable to redeem myself. I failed to keep and hold the fragment of my old self I’m trying to find. —

This was written when I was at my lowest point of my life. During those times, I felt so useless. I felt like a zombie wandering this earth aimlessly. I was doing things just to comply to what my parents want until I completely lost myself. Hehe. Too much drama, I know.

Looking back, I am happy I made it through this phase of my life. I really thought that was it. That was the end of me. But I was wrong. One thing I realized just now, is that, it is only me who will decide if I am finished or not. It is totally up to me to continue fighting or let the difficult circumstance/s define me. It is I who should define the circumstance/s and not the other way around. If I am given a chance to go back and change things to make it better and more beautiful, I think I would pass. Those times are my refining moment. If not for those overwhelming emotions and events that I have to go through, I wouldn’t be like this now, probably I wouldn’t even be where I am now. To be honest, I am thankful I went through that moment; it made me a better, stronger, wiser and enduring version of myself.

Indeed, everything happens for a reason. You may not understand it now, but time will come everything will materialize and you will understand why a certain thing happened. Just don’t give up. Fight for yourself, for what you believe in. 🙂 It is never wrong to get up and try again. If you fall, you may take a rest, try to take and process everything and when you’re ready, smile and kick some ass! You’ll get there! Believe me, you will. 🙂 You just have to believe in yourself, keep on pressing forward and choose to see the good in every situation and focus on that. It will take time, so be patient; after all, patience is a virtue and every good things come to those who wait but not to those who just wait and do nothing. You know what I mean 🙂

Will. Determination. Positivity. Love. Passion.

 

Finish strong, beautiful people!

Life in a Blur

Life to me is kind of blurry right now. I am almost 20 but still in college when all of my batch mates are now working or reviewing for their license examination for teachers (LET) while others review for National Medical Admission Test (NMAT). I sometimes feel down and discouraged whenever I am thinking what’s in store for me because clearly, I don’t even know. Back in high school I was always this effortless honor student. I don’t study that much but I am consistently included in the honor roll. Some even asked me how I was doing that. Now, those same people asking me those kind of questions are employed or are already on their final year in college. Oh the ironies of life. College happened and everything went spiraling down. I lost my will and passion to study because I was forced to take the course I never thought of taking and was enrolled to a school that was not even my choice. In other words, I didn’t make any decisions   for myself during those times. I said to myself that I will just give this a shot and maybe, just maybe, my parents were right that I will like it there. But they were wrong. I never belonged into that university. It was just too much for me. A big new surrounding, I don’t even know a single person when all of my block mates almost know each other. Good thing I made few good friends whom helped me keep my sanity in that hellish place.

I would say that those parts of my life was where I was in my lowest. I felt alone especially when my parents were treating me so effin cold!! Not to mention that my sister who happens to be one of my confidant was working overseas and I don’t want to add to the list of things she needed to mind. So I kept everything to myself. Didn’t even tell my friends about it because I was thinking they were also having their own predicaments. I was alone. One afternoon, I was alone in my room and I found myself browsing about the most effective way to kill myself, when I realized what I was doing I got scared of myself. I know I don’t want to die yet but the things I was carrying were just too much. They were eating devouring me.

If I were to describe that chapter of my life, I would say it was a blurry photo, almost unable to make sense of what’s in the photograph. I never expected that something good will happen during those times. They say when you’re at the bottom there’s no other way but up. And it’s true! Up until now, I still couldn’t believe that during my darkest moment is when I also discovered more of myself. I found out that I can paint if I put my heart and soul into to it. Most importantly, I realized what my calling is. What’s my purpose. I rediscovered my passion. Now, I am more fueled and determined to finish this race because I am actually running for something that I love and want and not just what my parents told me.

To close this post, I would just like to say that it is okay if you haven’t figured your life yet. It’s okay, really! Figuring life takes time, others do it shorter, others like me do it longer. But it doesn’t mean that you’re a loser if it took you longer to figure your life out. Always remember that precious gems were once rough and imperfectly shaped, those gems needed to be refined and have undergone great pressure and immeasurable heat for them to be shiny, beautiful and perfectly shaped. Same goes with our life. We are those freshly mined gems that have yet to undergo the process of perfection. Molding us may require a lot of endurance for pain, we may also go out of our comfort zone to grow and learn more, it may be uncomfortable but it is worth it. After all those grueling moments, I am sure we will all come out refined and beautiful if we continue to go on and fight for what we believe in.  Do not be afraid to commit mistakes. It’s not the end of the world if you do. Go out and commit mistakes and learn from them! After all, it is not about who finished first but it is about the quality of your journey and the person you have become because of that journey and all the trials that came with it.

“Even when in blur, beautiful things can still happen. You just have to be strong and patient.”

Finish strong, beautiful people! Hihihi! Goodnight.