No, thank you. :)

A “friend” hit me up on facebook earlier, he was asking me if we can catch up over coffee and movie, just like what we used to do before. He was asking a lot of questions like if I have a boyfriend now, or a suitor. He was pretty straight forward with all of his questions. This “friend” and I haven’t had any communication for years. So I was kinda intrigued why contacting me all of a sudden. Being the curious cat that I am, I decided to “visit” his profile. There were a lot of wall posts made by his friends telling him that he should move on and *his gf’s name* is not someone to cry over. Those wall posts answered my question. His girlfriend and him broke up. That is why he asked me out. lol. He is coming back to me- sweet, right? but not after a recent break up. Tsk.

Him “coming back” to me made me realize one thing: I DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER THE BEST. I know my worth. 🙂 Yes, I did invest feelings to that guy, I thought he was the one *pukes* but my little fairy tale ended even before I was ready. And now that my prince charming is making a come back, should I accept him? Should I welcome him with open arms?  Hmmm..

This entry is for all the girls out there! 🙂 We don’t need a man to complete us. Especially if that man is an asshole. Our identity isn’t with the man we are with. Our identity is what we make it. It is okay to turn down guys whom we think isn’t the best for us. You won’t die if you don’t have a boyfriend that will probably give you a quarter of kilig and a whole lot of emotional stress. Don’t go gaga in finding your “man” being single doesn’t make you less of a woman or a lady. 🙂 Instead, focus on yourself. Be the best version of yourself. Life is a long journey. Spend it by knowing yourself, discovering more about yourself, don’t be discouraged if you don’t have someone yet you can romantically spend your life with, you have amazing friends! And when everything is in its perfect place, before you know it, the right man is right next to you.

Do not settle for less than what you deserve, girl! Do not settle for someone who is only after your body. Do not settle for someone who will leave when the fun times ended. Settle for someone who will be celebrating with you when you’re at your highest and will commiserate and assure you that everything’s going to be fine when nothing’s going well. Be with someone who will flourish you not someone who will just feed off of you and leave you when you’re all consumed.

KNOW WHAT YOUR WORTH IS, GIRL! YOU ARE NOT A SECOND OPTION. NOT A BED WARMER. YOU ARE SOMEONE TO BE LOVED AND CHERISHED. AND IT IS TOTALLY OKAY TO BE SINGLE! 😉 AND MAKE SURE THAT BEFORE YOU LOVE ANYONE ELSE, YOU LOVE AND ACCEPT YOURSELF. 🙂

 

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Oh October

As I sit down here at the very corner of my go-to coffee shop I let my mind wander and look back. I realized that my mind and my heart have been in an emotional whirlwind for the last month. Have you ever felt being unable to translate what you’re feeling and what your thoughts are into words? That is exactly what I’m feeling right now. As I am writing this, my heart is beating uncontrollably for an unknown reason. Maybe because of the coffee? Naaah. That’s just how fucked up I am as of the moment. October has been a roller coaster ride for me. A lot of things happened – things I have never expected to experience. I must say, October caught me off-guard.

I did things I might regret in the longer run. I cut loose my relationship (not romantically) with someone whom I think genuinely cares for me and wants to know me for who I really am and is willing to scratch the surface of what I’m showing just to really know me personally. And for what? For a petty reason. 😦 And being the prideful bitch that I am, I find it really hard to admit my mistake. *sigh* And because of that, I did something to somehow fill the void I am feeling and to take my mind off of the intrapersonal and interpersonal issuessssss I am having.

Now that my schooling is going into the direction that I want it to be, my emotions are fucked up. When will I ever get my shit together? I can’t wait for these things to be over and gather my shit together.  I SHOULD AND WILL MAKE ALL THESE FUCKERY STOP AND LAUGH AT MY 20 YEAR OLD SELF.

I want to write more but my mind is failing me to translate the feels into words…

 

Life in a Blur

Life to me is kind of blurry right now. I am almost 20 but still in college when all of my batch mates are now working or reviewing for their license examination for teachers (LET) while others review for National Medical Admission Test (NMAT). I sometimes feel down and discouraged whenever I am thinking what’s in store for me because clearly, I don’t even know. Back in high school I was always this effortless honor student. I don’t study that much but I am consistently included in the honor roll. Some even asked me how I was doing that. Now, those same people asking me those kind of questions are employed or are already on their final year in college. Oh the ironies of life. College happened and everything went spiraling down. I lost my will and passion to study because I was forced to take the course I never thought of taking and was enrolled to a school that was not even my choice. In other words, I didn’t make any decisions   for myself during those times. I said to myself that I will just give this a shot and maybe, just maybe, my parents were right that I will like it there. But they were wrong. I never belonged into that university. It was just too much for me. A big new surrounding, I don’t even know a single person when all of my block mates almost know each other. Good thing I made few good friends whom helped me keep my sanity in that hellish place.

I would say that those parts of my life was where I was in my lowest. I felt alone especially when my parents were treating me so effin cold!! Not to mention that my sister who happens to be one of my confidant was working overseas and I don’t want to add to the list of things she needed to mind. So I kept everything to myself. Didn’t even tell my friends about it because I was thinking they were also having their own predicaments. I was alone. One afternoon, I was alone in my room and I found myself browsing about the most effective way to kill myself, when I realized what I was doing I got scared of myself. I know I don’t want to die yet but the things I was carrying were just too much. They were eating devouring me.

If I were to describe that chapter of my life, I would say it was a blurry photo, almost unable to make sense of what’s in the photograph. I never expected that something good will happen during those times. They say when you’re at the bottom there’s no other way but up. And it’s true! Up until now, I still couldn’t believe that during my darkest moment is when I also discovered more of myself. I found out that I can paint if I put my heart and soul into to it. Most importantly, I realized what my calling is. What’s my purpose. I rediscovered my passion. Now, I am more fueled and determined to finish this race because I am actually running for something that I love and want and not just what my parents told me.

To close this post, I would just like to say that it is okay if you haven’t figured your life yet. It’s okay, really! Figuring life takes time, others do it shorter, others like me do it longer. But it doesn’t mean that you’re a loser if it took you longer to figure your life out. Always remember that precious gems were once rough and imperfectly shaped, those gems needed to be refined and have undergone great pressure and immeasurable heat for them to be shiny, beautiful and perfectly shaped. Same goes with our life. We are those freshly mined gems that have yet to undergo the process of perfection. Molding us may require a lot of endurance for pain, we may also go out of our comfort zone to grow and learn more, it may be uncomfortable but it is worth it. After all those grueling moments, I am sure we will all come out refined and beautiful if we continue to go on and fight for what we believe in.  Do not be afraid to commit mistakes. It’s not the end of the world if you do. Go out and commit mistakes and learn from them! After all, it is not about who finished first but it is about the quality of your journey and the person you have become because of that journey and all the trials that came with it.

“Even when in blur, beautiful things can still happen. You just have to be strong and patient.”

Finish strong, beautiful people! Hihihi! Goodnight.

A long overdue blog

I finally decided to make a blog! Woop woop!

My mind has been all over these past few days and I don’t want to bombard my facebook friends with a ton of notes showing how ADHD my mind is. I have been inundated with thoughts not totally welcomed in my mind because it can only cater for a certain number of things that I should be worrying about, if it exceed than that, you’ll see me in a mental health care, I guess. Hahaha! It’s either I find someone who can commiserate with how I am feeling which is far from how I roll or keep it to myself and end up in a mental institution. HAHAHAH! So, I decided to make this blog; a place where I can fully express myself and consider it my breathing space. 🙂

Good night, beautiful people! (Assuming that I already have readers.) LOL.