Life to me is kind of blurry right now. I am almost 20 but still in college when all of my batch mates are now working or reviewing for their license examination for teachers (LET) while others review for National Medical Admission Test (NMAT). I sometimes feel down and discouraged whenever I am thinking what’s in store for me because clearly, I don’t even know. Back in high school I was always this effortless honor student. I don’t study that much but I am consistently included in the honor roll. Some even asked me how I was doing that. Now, those same people asking me those kind of questions are employed or are already on their final year in college. Oh the ironies of life. College happened and everything went spiraling down. I lost my will and passion to study because I was forced to take the course I never thought of taking and was enrolled to a school that was not even my choice. In other words, I didn’t make any decisions for myself during those times. I said to myself that I will just give this a shot and maybe, just maybe, my parents were right that I will like it there. But they were wrong. I never belonged into that university. It was just too much for me. A big new surrounding, I don’t even know a single person when all of my block mates almost know each other. Good thing I made few good friends whom helped me keep my sanity in that hellish place.
I would say that those parts of my life was where I was in my lowest. I felt alone especially when my parents were treating me so effin cold!! Not to mention that my sister who happens to be one of my confidant was working overseas and I don’t want to add to the list of things she needed to mind. So I kept everything to myself. Didn’t even tell my friends about it because I was thinking they were also having their own predicaments. I was alone. One afternoon, I was alone in my room and I found myself browsing about the most effective way to kill myself, when I realized what I was doing I got scared of myself. I know I don’t want to die yet but the things I was carrying were just too much. They were
eating devouring me.
If I were to describe that chapter of my life, I would say it was a blurry photo, almost unable to make sense of what’s in the photograph. I never expected that something good will happen during those times. They say when you’re at the bottom there’s no other way but up. And it’s true! Up until now, I still couldn’t believe that during my darkest moment is when I also discovered more of myself. I found out that I can paint if I put my heart and soul into to it. Most importantly, I realized what my calling is. What’s my purpose. I rediscovered my passion. Now, I am more fueled and determined to finish this race because I am actually running for something that I love and want and not just what my parents told me.
To close this post, I would just like to say that it is okay if you haven’t figured your life yet. It’s okay, really! Figuring life takes time, others do it shorter, others like me do it longer. But it doesn’t mean that you’re a loser if it took you longer to figure your life out. Always remember that precious gems were once rough and imperfectly shaped, those gems needed to be refined and have undergone great pressure and immeasurable heat for them to be shiny, beautiful and perfectly shaped. Same goes with our life. We are those freshly mined gems that have yet to undergo the process of perfection. Molding us may require a lot of endurance for pain, we may also go out of our comfort zone to grow and learn more, it may be uncomfortable but it is worth it. After all those grueling moments, I am sure we will all come out refined and beautiful if we continue to go on and fight for what we believe in. Do not be afraid to commit mistakes. It’s not the end of the world if you do. Go out and commit mistakes and learn from them! After all, it is not about who finished first but it is about the quality of your journey and the person you have become because of that journey and all the trials that came with it.
“Even when in blur, beautiful things can still happen. You just have to be strong and patient.”
Finish strong, beautiful people! Hihihi! Goodnight.